The circus girl fell off her horse, now she's paralyzed

If I was drunk and they were drunk and I didn't fight back or scream then it's my fault, I don't have the right to say otherwise, to feel otherwise. My CPN is right, there is no pill in the world that can fix this, and I don't have the energy to fight anymore.

I want absolution. I want to hear that it wasn't my fault. I need to know that the people who did this to me aren't getting on with their life as if it never happened. I know that they are though, I know that they have love and girlfriends and plans for the future, that essentially their life doesn't include what they did to me.

I want to drink. I am so fucking desperate to get drunk. To forget. To not feel.