Friday, 18 May 2012

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain

Okay. So. I haven't blogged anything in over a month. I guess the reason is that things are actually pretty good for me right now, I'm doing better than I have done in ages, I haven't self-harmed in well over three months, I get up, I go out, I sleep, I make plans, my life isn't exactly 'normal' but I don't feel like I'm constantly struggling just to keep breathing.

There is only thing that has happened recently that is threatening to take away this stability.

I turn 25 in a couple of weeks (how the fuck did that happen!?!) and a few weeks back I got the same letter that everyone else gets, asking me to make an appointment for a cervical screening.

My gut reaction was absolute panic and dread. The thought of it just made me feel sick and nothing has changed. I don't want to go. I just have this... feeling... that it will completely freak me out. I'm not an idiot, I know it's not going to be at all 'sexual' and that it's clinical and they're professionals and all of that crap, but it doesn't change the fact that it's a situation that will inevitably trigger shit off. It'll make me feel out of control of my body and what happens to it.

There is a history of female cancers in my family and I know, with every bit of rational thought inside of me, that I should make an appointment and get it done. But the fear is so genuine and deep that it just won't let go...

I know that what happened to me is probably on my medical records and that if I explained how I feel about it that they'll probably be extra nice to me but I don't want that either, I don't want to be fucking defined by what some bastard did to me when I was 17. But by not going, that's just as bad, that's giving him something else over me, it will no longer just be effecting my mental health, it will be putting my physical health at risk.