Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Your nightmares follow you like a shadow, forever

I've started having rape dreams, nightmares, I wake up and I feel sick of the things that have come into my head during the night. I know I can't control it and I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about it but I do. I really fucking do. I wake up and I hate myself. I blame myself and shout at myself that I must be sick in the head to dream up such horrible things. I get so angry. I feel so ashamed.

Hardly any of the dreams involve things that have actually happened to me. The most vivid one was about a woman who tied me up and put tissue paper down my throat so I couldn't scream out without choking, It kept repeating over and over again on a loop. It was so real. I woke up and for most of the day I was convinced that it was real. That it had happened. I felt so dirty. The thoughts that I'm a whore get really, really intrusive and intense. I spend most of the time I'm awake going over and over in my head what did happen to me to try and make sense of it to myself, to see that the dreams are just dreams. That makes me feel fucking awful. I can't close my eyes without seeing his face. I try and describe it to myself and I get terrified. The rapes repeat over and over and over again. Then I go to sleep, eventually, and I dream up a whole lot of other crap.

Every night it takes me hours to get into bed. I sit in the dark huddled up and shaking. Trying not to cry. I am so scared of being asleep.

I've tried so many things. Sleeping tablets. Leaving the light on. Compulsive checking of doors and windows. Leaving the TV on. But nothing helps.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. That I am sick in the head and an evil person for having these dreams.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Loser. Liar. Faker. Phoney.

It took me three hours to work up the courage to go to bed last night. I wouldn't take my meds or turn the TV or the light off. The thought of being asleep made me want to cry. I feel so vulnerable right now. I have so much hatred inside me. Anger. Shame. Fear. Guilt. Everytime I close my eyes I can see the word WHORE as plainly as if it was burned onto my brain. I can't escape it. It hurts so much. To feel like a piece of meat. To feel like an attention seeking LIAR. Sometimes I am so convinced I've made this shit up. Or that it's somehow a way of cleansing myself from the reality of being a SLUT.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe

Today I went to the day hospital for the first time. It seems to be pretty much the same as it was when I went last time only with a lot more 'clients', the nurses and the structure haven't changed much. Today's group was on anxiety and I found it quite useful. I'm going three days a week for six weeks.

Afterwards, I went back to the hospital for ward rouind and... I'VE BEEN DISCHARGED! On the one hand I am really happy about it, on the other I am a little sad that I won't get to see the psychiatrist again because I really started to like her a lot, despite our 'history', she talks to you as if you're on the same level if you know what I mean. But I'm really, really glad that I don't have to go back to the hospital again.

I've come off Haloperidol completely now and I'm feeling really good about that. I haven't taken any in nearly a month and things seem to be under control on that front, and I think my mood has improved because I have more energy when I don't take it. I'm still being pescribed Zopiclone but I haven't taken any in over a week and I'm sleeping fine most of the time. I'm still taking Seroquel, Lamictal Mirtazapine and Paroxetine.

Tomorrow I am going to see my (new) CPN, I am hoping that she will have heard back from my therapy assesment by now. I am going to try and tell her about the abuse related anxiety I'm experiencing, and that sometimes I feel really unsafe during the night and end up sitting in the dark shaking. This is something that I feel like I need to work on, and something that I feel ready to work on, I want to prepare myself for the summer as best as I can and maybe if I tackle some of this stuff now before it gets to anniversary time then it'll give me a better chance at coping. This is why I am really hoping that she'd heard back from therapy.

Today is 40 days since I last self-harmed or drank. Overall I am feeling really positive. Some things are still really tough but I want to fight through those times, instead of wanting to run away and escape them. I am feeling rather inspired right now.