Friday, 12 August 2011

Waking up in the water

I did some problem solving/mapping for my anxiety last night and it really helped calm my head down a bit, this book I'm reading is really good, I'd be interested in actually doing CBT 'for real' if the chance ever came up, though I doubt it would because there are no services for it around here or Leicester, as far as I know, it feels different to DBT, like it's helping you with your thoughts and not just the behaviours, I don't know, maybe it's because I'm reading it from a book and making my own way through it.

I didn't self harm or drink last night and I feel okay about that today. My anxiety has been really bad today but I've got through it without hurting myself, hopefully I can keep it going through this evening and tonight.

I had a good counselling session, although I'm still not talking much about the rapes at all but I guess evetually it will get easier, or maybe it'll get harder, who knows... Nevertheless I always feel shaky and anxious and paranoid when I leave, like someone is following me there and spying on me, it's completely irrational but it still feels real. The counting has been bad today, too, I think triggered by the high levels of anxiety, it's still not settled down but atleast it's not a 'dangerous' coping mechanism and I feel like it's okay to count and check if it's keeping the self-harm at bay.

I didn't take my meds Sun/Mon and looking back on it I can see that it fucked my head up, that I got suicidal and paranoid and buggy, which on the one hand makes me relieved because the meds are actually doing something, and on the other hand makes me feel pathetic that I need to be so heavily drugged just to function at a base level.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Teenage FBI

I had a weird night, I think it was because I took my Zopiclone too early which always makes me feel a bit drunk and out of touch. The bugs were bad, I made something to eat and then a voice told me that it was poisoned and that I had to make myself sick. I ended up taking a double dose of everything just because I needed to sleep so badly, but it just wasn't coming without a little chemical help...

Zopiclone's pretty much stopped working. I want to go to the GP's and ask for some different sleeping pills but I am too scared that it will be seen as drug seeking behaviour. Everyone I see says I should be knocked flat out with my night meds (Seroqul, Lamictal, Mirtazapine, Seroxat, Haloperidol) and the Zopi's only meant to be for when I *really* need it (my GP pescribes it so it's seperate from the rest of my meds) but I've been taking it solidly for the last couple of weeks and sleep is still so hard. I think it's the anxiety I feel as soon as the lights are off and I'm lying in the dark, the fear of nightmares/flashbacks, of being helpless and vulnerable. I am so tired during the day, I just feel constantly exhausted.

Some of the ol' drowning fantasies are becoming stronger, too. I didn't start a new a blade but I did some small stuff with a pair of scissors and the scabs of my burns. I am really trying to resist a new blade, I know that it's the most dangerous, and I got my repeat pescription early so I have loads of 'leftover' pilla which is making me feel unsafe and uncomfortable even though I have little urge to OD.

My anxiety has really started to kick again, I worry about everything, especially death, of myself or people I love, I'm so convinced everyone is going to leave me, either my choice or by death, I just can't talk some sense into myself.

I am still beating myself up for not being able to remember the dates of the rapes, like it's not real somehow, I made it all up to excuse the fact I was drunk and fucked up and hurt people. I feel so..... hideous.