Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Teenage FBI

I had a weird night, I think it was because I took my Zopiclone too early which always makes me feel a bit drunk and out of touch. The bugs were bad, I made something to eat and then a voice told me that it was poisoned and that I had to make myself sick. I ended up taking a double dose of everything just because I needed to sleep so badly, but it just wasn't coming without a little chemical help...

Zopiclone's pretty much stopped working. I want to go to the GP's and ask for some different sleeping pills but I am too scared that it will be seen as drug seeking behaviour. Everyone I see says I should be knocked flat out with my night meds (Seroqul, Lamictal, Mirtazapine, Seroxat, Haloperidol) and the Zopi's only meant to be for when I *really* need it (my GP pescribes it so it's seperate from the rest of my meds) but I've been taking it solidly for the last couple of weeks and sleep is still so hard. I think it's the anxiety I feel as soon as the lights are off and I'm lying in the dark, the fear of nightmares/flashbacks, of being helpless and vulnerable. I am so tired during the day, I just feel constantly exhausted.

Some of the ol' drowning fantasies are becoming stronger, too. I didn't start a new a blade but I did some small stuff with a pair of scissors and the scabs of my burns. I am really trying to resist a new blade, I know that it's the most dangerous, and I got my repeat pescription early so I have loads of 'leftover' pilla which is making me feel unsafe and uncomfortable even though I have little urge to OD.

My anxiety has really started to kick again, I worry about everything, especially death, of myself or people I love, I'm so convinced everyone is going to leave me, either my choice or by death, I just can't talk some sense into myself.

I am still beating myself up for not being able to remember the dates of the rapes, like it's not real somehow, I made it all up to excuse the fact I was drunk and fucked up and hurt people. I feel so..... hideous.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes, when we are so heavily medicated, like you are, such medication doesn't always work.
    And ultimately we can be medicated to higher points, but our body just builds resistance.
    If you are struggling sleeping with the hallucinations and the rape issues, I doubt anything will actually get you to sleep.
    I know sleep is so essential in fighting all this, and yet, the mind is so powerful.
    I hope things ease angel xxxx