Thursday, 29 December 2011

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes

I hate to admit it but I'm really struggling. I should be past this. It's been over 10 years since I developed and eating disorder. I should be better already.

I thought Christmas would be okay but I spent the three days purging and since then I've been scared to eat over a certain amount. My head is telling me that it's okay to only eat twice a day. That it's okay to count calories. That it's not restricting if I eat a certain amount. That it's just dieting. I went to look for my scales and then remembered that I chucked them out over the summer and now I'm in tears because I don't have them.

I am obese. It's a medical fact. Partly down to medication and partly down to binging. I need to lose weight. I don't know how to lose weight properly. A part of me misses being underweight. A bigger part of me misses just being normal. At my sickest I weighed 97lbs, at my heaviest I weighed 196lbs, I weighed myself about a month ago and I weighed 186lbs. I want to weigh between 125-130lbs. That's healthy for my height. Not to high and not too low. But my head tells me that I should try and beat my low weight. That it wasn't really all that low. Even though I was at death's door. It wasn't that bad. I ate too much even if I didn't eat at all. I don't want to go back there but I want to be thin. Is there a compromise? Is there a middle ground? Do I have to be anorexic or fat? Is that my choice? One or the other?

My head is such a mess. It's been less than a week and already everything is overwhelming and too much and I can't cope with it. I don't want to have to worry about my weight. I don't want to be the fat kid anymore. I want to be thin. I want to be well. I want to be normal. I want to be thin. etc etc etc.

I need to lose weight I need to lose weight I need to lose weight I need to lose weight. I'm being completely open with my parents about what I'm eating. I'm not doing it in secret and they are encouraging me to diet. Telling me that I should weigh myself once a week in Boots like I used to when I was at my sickest. Telling me not to eat carbs. I don't know what to think. I've got it in my head how much I'm allowed to eat and if I go over that then it's not okay. That I have to punsih myself if I do. That I have to be strong. That I have to do this.

I don't want to be sick. I want to be okay. But my head. My head is so confused.


Saturday, 24 December 2011

So you did your best and faced such music as anyone cared to play

So... It's been forever since I updated, it's hard to know where to start.

I ended up in hospital after drinking a litre of gin and becoming hysterical and suicidal. I saw someone from the booze bigrade who said they would be in touch with me but never did. I managed to get myself back to a somewhat normal state by using my PRN Diazepam everytime I felt like I needed a drink. I haven't drunk on my own for a couple of weeks now, I also haven't self-harmed either.

In the midst of all this it became apparant that I wouldn't find anywhere to live in Leicester anytime soon and that whilst I was living back with my parents I needed to go back under the Nun CMHT. I was told I could go to the day hospital, and then told that I didn't fit the criteria. At the minute I have seen my old CPN, who I don't particularly get on with, and she is going to be my care-co again. She said she would refer me to psychology, but she keeps going on about me repeating DBT and I am really not impressed by that. She is leaving in a couple of months though so I will have someone new. Hopefully. There has been no mention of seeing a psychiatrist but for the most part I am happy to be on the medication that I am on.

I have finished rape counselling and feel like I have gone as far as I can at the moment, although I know I have barely scratched the surface. I know I need to go deeper. To heal. Because I don't feel healed. Although I feel a little less...heavy. I am wondering if there is a crisis centre here in Nun or maybe Coventry. I know when the summer comes around I won't be able to cope...

I have spent the last week with a good friend, travelling around the country stalking Tim Minchin. It's been amazing. That's all I can think of to describe it. AMAZING.

This will be my third Christmas in recovery from anorexia and I'm having THREE meals in as many days and I'm freaking out about it a little bit. I am also having a lot of chatter in my head about going on 'a diet' in the New Year and losing as much weight as possible. I am sick of being fat and obese. I just want to be thinner...

Anyway, that's about it, Happy Christmas everyone, I love you a lot and appreciate your support.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Some things you lose and some things you just give away

Somewhere along the line of the last few months my parents have found out that I was raped.

I am finding it almost impossible to cope with.

My Dad keeps calling it a 'suitcase' that I'm carrying around that he knows about but that I don't have to open for him, it sounds like a pretty reasonable metaphor but it makes me feel sick just the fact that I know they know and that they're finding there own ways to deal with it and reason it out when I can't do it for myself. They know I was in crisis counselling. They know that I get flashbacks. They're reading books on PTSD...

I've spent seven years trying to keep it a secret from them and I feel like I've failed.

It feels like when they found out about my Eating Disorder. I felt like sure a failure. It wasn't my secret anymore. They were watching me all the time. I couldn't escapse it because it was all around me.

This probably sounds stupid, considering the fact that I am fairly open about what happened to me online, and to a few select friends in real life, my ex boyfriend, this is an open blog, if you're a friend of mine from FB or twitter or any forums I post in online then you would be able to find my blog and read it, and I am totally fine with that, I am fine with the fact that strangers might stumble upon my rambles... I am not ashamed of what happened to me. I try to be as honest as I can be with myself through writing here, exploring my feelings and the after-effects, going through the constant interal battles of blaming myself and feeling real enough of valid enough to be hurting. I will talk about my flashbacks, about nightmares, about how fucked up it makes my thoughts sometimes. I am open and honest and I accept that means that I leave myself open for people to see the ugly parts of me...

... I just never wanted my parents to find out about it.