Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes

I hate to admit it but I'm really struggling. I should be past this. It's been over 10 years since I developed and eating disorder. I should be better already.

I thought Christmas would be okay but I spent the three days purging and since then I've been scared to eat over a certain amount. My head is telling me that it's okay to only eat twice a day. That it's okay to count calories. That it's not restricting if I eat a certain amount. That it's just dieting. I went to look for my scales and then remembered that I chucked them out over the summer and now I'm in tears because I don't have them.

I am obese. It's a medical fact. Partly down to medication and partly down to binging. I need to lose weight. I don't know how to lose weight properly. A part of me misses being underweight. A bigger part of me misses just being normal. At my sickest I weighed 97lbs, at my heaviest I weighed 196lbs, I weighed myself about a month ago and I weighed 186lbs. I want to weigh between 125-130lbs. That's healthy for my height. Not to high and not too low. But my head tells me that I should try and beat my low weight. That it wasn't really all that low. Even though I was at death's door. It wasn't that bad. I ate too much even if I didn't eat at all. I don't want to go back there but I want to be thin. Is there a compromise? Is there a middle ground? Do I have to be anorexic or fat? Is that my choice? One or the other?

My head is such a mess. It's been less than a week and already everything is overwhelming and too much and I can't cope with it. I don't want to have to worry about my weight. I don't want to be the fat kid anymore. I want to be thin. I want to be well. I want to be normal. I want to be thin. etc etc etc.

I need to lose weight I need to lose weight I need to lose weight I need to lose weight. I'm being completely open with my parents about what I'm eating. I'm not doing it in secret and they are encouraging me to diet. Telling me that I should weigh myself once a week in Boots like I used to when I was at my sickest. Telling me not to eat carbs. I don't know what to think. I've got it in my head how much I'm allowed to eat and if I go over that then it's not okay. That I have to punsih myself if I do. That I have to be strong. That I have to do this.

I don't want to be sick. I want to be okay. But my head. My head is so confused.

Help