Monday, 29 November 2010

I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it tainted, tainted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it tainted, tainted, tainted, tainted black

Hmm, hmm, hmm...
'Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones'

So I guess I should update...

Things have gone somewhat horrifically awful over the last couple of months. I don’t know what’s wrong really, depression I guess. I've had to quit university for the year, they didn't want me to continue because I was never making it in.

I never really had flashbacks before but I’ve spent the last few weeks in a near constant state of unreality, or dissociation, terrible memories. I’ve been self-harming badly, ended up in A&E the other night and had to get patched up by a plastic surgeon, missed my tendons by less than a millimetre, cut through so much muscle that my left hand has already lost some use, I got told pretty bluntly that I need to cut a different part of my body because my left arm is so full of scar tissue and muscle damage that it’s going to end up paralysed very easily. I’ve been suicidal a lot; I attempted to take a Paracetamol overdose on Friday night, it was planned, I knew that I would have an empty flat and no-one to find me, I got as fair as ten and broke down in tears. I looked it up on the internet and know that you have to take at least thirty... I guess I didn’t have the courage to do it. I’ve thought of everything. Jumping off a bridge. Jumping in front of a train. Covering myself in petrol and lighting a cigarette. Drowning. The OCD is coming back, for the first time really since I was sixteen, I’m carrying disinfectant around with me, the number three... It’s telling me to kill myself on 11/11/11, because then I will succeed, because the numbers are right...
I've been seeing the home treatment team for the last couple of weeks, since my psych changed my meds (Cymbalta to Mirtazapine) don't feel any better, except the fact that I now sleep solid through the night, but sleepng just makes the nightmares worse when you can't wake up from them.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment at the rape crisis centre. I don’t want to go. I don’t deserve it. They won’t believe me. There’s nothing to do. Nothing happened. It’s all in my fucking head. Driving me insane but just a fucked up nightmare, it didn’t happen.
I feel like I'm losing my shit, at the same time I feel like it's somehow not enough, that I'm not going through something real, I'm not really depressed at all, I definately don't have any kind of post traumatic whatever, all I have is the fucking borderline label, that just makes me out to be a liar, a manipulator, sure I say I'm suicidal, but I'm not really, I'm faking, I want attention or soemthing, I want to be 'validated'
Actually, I just want to fucking die, for everything to be other, or to wake up as a different person, in a different time, a different place, a different name, a different face...

I don't really have anything else to say.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Little Earthquakes

"Rape's not something where you just go, "Well, get over it" or "Believe in love and peace, my child, and it'll all be over." Well, fuck you, that isn't the answer. It's a great thought, OK, but you can go and stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side I work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before I was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before"
- Tori Amos

A part of me would love to face you someday, as a survivor, with a life that’s more fulfilled and productive and successful than yours. I would desperately love to be like that. That’s what would count as justice to me; I would love for you to have no power over me, for the memories to have no power over me... I have so much work to do before I can to that point. Maybe it’s true that the first step is telling someone, admitting it and accepting that it does impact on your life that it’s not just something can file away in your mind to never be opened. Someone here, Martine I think, told me that it was like a splinter that hurts to take out but infects you as long as you keep it in. It’s not in anymore but it definitely hurts a lot more than it has ever done, a lot more than it did at the time. Deep down I know that it’s the right time to confront it, now I’ve made that first step I can’t take it back, even if I feel like complete crap to the point of suicidal ideation as a result of talking, I know that I can’t put it back in my finger and let it fester. Once it’s out, it’s out, and it changes how you relate to everything, everything is a threat or a memory trigger or a reason to lock yourself in your room and rot with the memories and the depression. I don’t want to do that, though, even if right now it feels like the only thing to do, even feels like the right thing to do or the only thing. I spent a long time thinking that it was you who needed to confess, to apologies, but I think now it’s more of a case of confessing and apologising to myself. Feeling like a have the right to hurt over it and to try and heal from it. I'm listening to this song a lot recently, I think because you feel so alone you connect to anything and then suddenly you can it opens things up, it opens yourself a little bit, and you feel a little bit stronger to stick two fingers up at the people who doubt and say that it's the girls fault, or what she wore, or how she acted, or how much she drank. Or that it's a fate worse than death and anyone would chose death over being raped. You start to understand how the myths work and how anyone who says such bullshit clearly doesn't get it., or get what it's about for the person commiting it, that they don't care really about killing you physically they just want to break your soul and have complete power and control over you. I still stand by what always thought, that it wasn't the reason why I got ill because I was ill before it happened, but it doesn't help and it stunts my recovery because I've left it there and let it fester.

5am friday morning
thursday night far from sleep
i'm still up and driving
can't go home obviously
so i'll just change direction
cause they'll soon know where i live
and i wanna live
got a full tank and some chips
it was me and a gun
and a man on my back
and i sang "holy holy"
as he buttoned down his pants

you can laugh
its kind of funny
things you think
times like these
like i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this

yes i wore a slinky red thing
does that mean i should spread
for you, your friends
your father, mr ed

it was me and a gun
and a man on my back
but i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this

and i know what this means
me and jesus a few years back
used to hang
and he said "it's your choice babe
just remember
i don't think you'll be back
in 3 days time so you choose well"
tell me whats right
is it my right to be on my stomach
of fred's seville

it was me and a gun
and a man on my back
but i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this

and do you know Carolina
where the biscuits
are soft and sweet
these things go through your head
when there's a man on your back
and you're pushed flat on your stomach
it's not a classic cadillac

it was me and a gun
and a man on my back
but i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this
i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Placebo Gigs

"I'm medicated, how are you?"
- Placebo
1. 3/3/04 Manchester Apollo
2. 29/8/04 Reading Festival
3. 5/11/04 Wembley Arena
4. 2/7/05 Live 8 Paris
5. 24/1/06 London Koko
6. 15/3/06 Virgin Megastores Oxford Street
7. 5/4/06 Blackpool Empress Ballroom
8. 6/4/06 Glasgow Academy
9. 8/4/06 Newcastle Academy
10. 9/4/06 Birmingham Academy
11. 11/4/06 London Alexandra Palace
12. 21/6/06 Friday Night Project
13. 19/7/06 Nimes Arena
14. 27/8/06 Reading Festival
15. 2/10/06 Bercy Paris
16. 3/10/06 Bercy Paris
17. 7/11/06 Nokia Theatre Times Sq New York
18. 6/12/06 Glasgow SECC
19. 7/12/06 Nottingham Arena
20. 9/12/06 Wembley Arena
21. 10/12/06 Manchester Evening News Arena
22. 17/12/06 Leipzig Arena
23. 19/12/06 Hannover AWD Hall
24. 6/3/07 Coronet Theatre
25. 7/3/07 Coronet Theatre
26. 1/6/07 Warsaw Torwar
27. 26/7/07 Dusseldorf Philipshalle
28. 28/7/07 Frankfurt Jahrhunderthalle
29. 9/5/09 Sheffield Academy
30. 10/5/09 Bournemouth Opera House
31. 12/5/09 Shepards Bush Empire
32. 14/7/09 iTunes Festival Camden Roundhouse
33. 15/8/09 Sziget Festival
34. 12/11/09 Copenhagen KB Hall
35. 13/11/09 Stockholm Annex
36. 8/12/09 Birmingham LG Arena
37. 9/12/09 London o2 Arena
38. 11/12/09 Bridlington Spa
39. 12a/12/09 Manchester Central
40. 15/12/09 Dublin Olympia Theatre
41. 31/07/10 Sonisphere Festival
42. 27/09/10 Brixton Academy
43. 28/09/10 Brixton Academy

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Me and a gun with a man on my back

"I think that the nightmares are telling me things about myself that I need to know. And I try to understand what they mean, so I can get to know something more about my soul."
- Tori Amos

So much for feeling a little better. I've crashed so utterly and completely. I took my stitches out myself and made a right fucking mess. Got a full weeks prescription and just want to OD OD OD. I feel like the depression and the past just has complete fucking control over me. It's so hard to fight it off. I remember when I'm awake and I remember when I'm asleep. The only time I don't is when I'm concentrating on bleeding. There’s no escape. I've become convinced that I'm making everything up because my memories keep changing, sometimes they're all distorted then another time they're really vivid. How do I know which ones are true.

I have emailed the mental health advisor and asked if it would be possible to take the rest of this term off and restart after Christmas. I will have already failed anyway because I didn't do the assignment that was due in today (despite asking for an extension that I never got) I've emailed her a few times in the last couple of weeks without any reply so I'm kind of worried about the whole thing. Nothing that I have done so far counts to my overall degree, though, I am just worried about what will happen, and I feel so triggered to SI because I feel like such a failure. I know it's the right thing to do, simply because right now I'm not functioning and knowing that I am missing lessons just makes me feel worse because there's the fear of getting kicked out and then losing all my loan and being in deep shit from that side of things.... And if I do get different anti-depressants or whatever then it's going to take a couple of weeks to work at least. I'm sure that I could get some work to do away from uni to sort of do at my own pace rather than being pressured and having to actually go in.

They do have emergency appointments but the GP that I see specifically for my repeat meds and general crazy doesn't have any left for this week. I don't even have the consultants phone number but I'm going to see if I can find it alone and maybe ring the secretary to see where my appointment is as it's been three weeks since I last saw her and she said that I could see her once a month which would be next Thursday but as she's only in on that one day it's nearly impossible to get in as it is.

If I get to leave uni I still think I am going to stay here instead of go home because I think going back would be worse for me. At least here there are people around even if I don't or can't socialise with them and it's less isolating. Also, when I'm ill at home it always leads to falling out which just makes everything worse.