Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Me and a gun with a man on my back

"I think that the nightmares are telling me things about myself that I need to know. And I try to understand what they mean, so I can get to know something more about my soul."
- Tori Amos

So much for feeling a little better. I've crashed so utterly and completely. I took my stitches out myself and made a right fucking mess. Got a full weeks prescription and just want to OD OD OD. I feel like the depression and the past just has complete fucking control over me. It's so hard to fight it off. I remember when I'm awake and I remember when I'm asleep. The only time I don't is when I'm concentrating on bleeding. There’s no escape. I've become convinced that I'm making everything up because my memories keep changing, sometimes they're all distorted then another time they're really vivid. How do I know which ones are true.

I have emailed the mental health advisor and asked if it would be possible to take the rest of this term off and restart after Christmas. I will have already failed anyway because I didn't do the assignment that was due in today (despite asking for an extension that I never got) I've emailed her a few times in the last couple of weeks without any reply so I'm kind of worried about the whole thing. Nothing that I have done so far counts to my overall degree, though, I am just worried about what will happen, and I feel so triggered to SI because I feel like such a failure. I know it's the right thing to do, simply because right now I'm not functioning and knowing that I am missing lessons just makes me feel worse because there's the fear of getting kicked out and then losing all my loan and being in deep shit from that side of things.... And if I do get different anti-depressants or whatever then it's going to take a couple of weeks to work at least. I'm sure that I could get some work to do away from uni to sort of do at my own pace rather than being pressured and having to actually go in.

They do have emergency appointments but the GP that I see specifically for my repeat meds and general crazy doesn't have any left for this week. I don't even have the consultants phone number but I'm going to see if I can find it alone and maybe ring the secretary to see where my appointment is as it's been three weeks since I last saw her and she said that I could see her once a month which would be next Thursday but as she's only in on that one day it's nearly impossible to get in as it is.

If I get to leave uni I still think I am going to stay here instead of go home because I think going back would be worse for me. At least here there are people around even if I don't or can't socialise with them and it's less isolating. Also, when I'm ill at home it always leads to falling out which just makes everything worse.

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