Wednesday, 27 October 2010

There's nothing here worth saving

“He would say, 'How funny it will all seem, all you've gone through, when I'm not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away...' And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.”
- Arthur Rimbaud

I feel so completely undeserving of love, support and friendship right now. I feel like I've worked my ass off getting to this point and now I just want it to stop. 50 days without self-harming and 26 days sober. What is the point?

My mood swings have vanished and been replaced with a depression unlike anything I've experianced in years. It's persistant, it won't budge, I'm having thoughts of suicide, making vague plans, everytime I speak to someone I wonder if it'll be the last time. I wonder why I am still alive. I wonder why I've overdosed so many times and been sent back home. I don't feel better, I just feel empty and hollow and vacant. I don't go a day without anxiety preventing me from doing something, the kind of anxiety that gets under your skin and makes you want to rip it all off. I'm getting migraines all the time. I have to go for a heart trace and epilepsy test in a couple of days, they still don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm already behind with uni, I want to quit, change course, run away, anything but stick it out. I just don't have the strength.

I feel like I have nothing left to give.

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