Sunday, 22 August 2010

Just gonna stand here and watch me burn but that's alright because I love the way it hurts

I feel so torn between losing the plot completely and fighting like Hell to get myself as far away from all this crap before going back to uni....

And then I feel even worse because it's like I have that choice and I desperately feel like a fraud who just 'acts at being crazy' and invalid....

Then I start to feel crap about even questioning it and I feel so stupidily unsafe that I want to kill myself just to make the choice stop and I get angry that nobody seems to be listening which reinforces the idea that I am merely seeking attention or something...

The I think about the next couple of weeks and the anxiety and paraonia that threatens to cloud over me and how much I don't want to walk through that fire and to just duck out early...

Then, eventually, I think about uni and my new flat and my new friends and how much I can't wait to be back there and to achieve something and be something other than a mental health patient, or a borderline, or a former anorexic...

I just wish I didn't have to go through that whole cycle over and over and over again constantly. It's so easy to lose faith in the middle of it and not get to the 'eventually' phases.

Friday, 20 August 2010

When the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up

Everything still feels so fucking useless
Feel desperate and paranoid and anxious and unsafe but no-one gives a fuck
I can't stop my head filling with violent and terrifying images
Talked to a doctor today and it was a waste of time, didn't give me any medication or anything or even seem to give a shit about anything I had to say
Calling the crisis team is a waste of time
Feel so fucking lost
I saw Sylthia (the private pyschotherapist) and she is a completely gorgeous person and I'm definately going to see her again but she's just someone to talk to and work things out with
And the rest of it just seems like a huge pile of crap
That they're all plotting against me and telling lies behind my back and they want me to kill myself
I feel like I'm the verge of something awful

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Everything feels like the movies

And again there is more on the news and in the papers as to the age of 'knowing what you're doing' and whether a child can abuse another child or whether or not they don't understand
And it makes my brain hurt and my heart hurt and then I get angry and don't want to think anymore because it's stupid and pointless
The whole thing is stupid and pointless
But if that was really the case then why do I feel so terribly tainted by things that happened 10/15 years ago
Nothing is simple
I wish that I could be a true 'victim', a clear cut case in the eyes of the law
But that's never going to happen
So many people's reactions tell me enough to know that
Friends that believed other friends and called me a liar
People who said I was asking for it by the way that I look
Or drinking
Or taking drugs
Or else otherwise being incapacitated to fight them all off
It's wrong to envy another person's Hell but I do
I would willingly be beaten and raped by a stranger in a park than this mismatched memory maze of accountability
A child can't hurt another child
It's just harmless fun
All kids experiment
I suppose they do
But kids are clever and cunning
And if they're knowing enough to plan ahead
And make sure that no-one sees what they're doing
Then surely they must know that it's wrong
But that's not what the letters say and that's not what my brain says
And then today they say that I cut because of my mum and anxiety
And I almost cry and say it's so much more than that
So much more than I will ever be able to articulate
And then it feels like a list I have invented in my head
Too much chaos, too many crappy hands, for it to be real
I don't feel real anymore
I feel like an actress
Playing myself in a movie
Because life feels like a disaster movie
Or a tragic life story made for tv afternoon
Except there's not happy ending
Just more pain and memoires and this desperate isolation from help
That no-one will help me
Everyone assumes that I can control it
I can't control it
I want to buy razor blades and hack away at all these stories
All these bits of myself that don't feel like they belong to me
And be a good person again
A person that they see as worth saving
But they won't me dead, don't they?
They are all against me
They won't help
And I don't know how to help myself
And i despreately want out

Monday, 16 August 2010

Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me

Last night I completely freaked out
Became convinced that my care-co and doctor want me dead and that the reason the crisis team never help is because they all want me to kill myself
They said they would call me this morning and they didn't
They are next door to the day hospital and they couldn't even be bothered to come over and see if I was okay
I literally broke my heart on the phone to them
I have a weeks worth of medication lined up
What is it?
Well that won't kill you
All I can say is I advise you not to do it
All the time I am saying
I'm agitated and delusional and I need someone to come and be with me
They say that they can't come out to me
I ring my Dad and he finds me sitting on the side of the road and takes me home
Home is safer than here
Home I have people around me through the night
Here I am on my own
I was begging for them to help and they didn't do anything
I tried to talk it through with my nurse at the day hospital but she just says that I have capacity and choice which okay, fair enough, but I get no advise on how to deal with all these thoughts and urges
And the fact that they feel to me to just be leaving me to get worse increases all the paranoid thoughts I have about them not wanting me to get better and spreading lies about me
The crisis team have let me down too many times
I don't trust them or anyone else involved in my 'care'
I hate having this fucking borderline label
Before I got diagnonsed and I got all hysterical and pyschotic they put be in the hospital within two days
Now they do bugger all
I am just left to sit it out on my own
Anxiety that feels like a snake rearing up inside of me
Pushing it's way up through my throat
Out of my mouth
I should see a doctor tomorrow
I should go back home
I am terrified
Of what I might do in desperation not to feel
My Mum is gonna die
I see her dead all the time
I hear the news in my head all the time
I can't think straight or rationalise anything
Noody's listening

Saturday, 14 August 2010

You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

"Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?"
'I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance

I just got an email from Sylthia (pyschotherapist) to tell me that I've been booked in for Friday.

That's okay though, right? I have enough time to figure out what I want to say and maybe write it down or something.

Triggered badly to SI, the only thing stopping me is the thought of having to go home early because I 'broke the rules', I think that would just about finish my relationship with my parents and that's the last thing I want to do right now.

Gotta put them first and me second...

But then I go into thinking too much about everything and having no outlet.

If the doctor doesn't give me a couple week supply of some kind of benzo/sedative then it's all going to go to shit and the anxiety will actually take on a life of it's own and I'll just get all delusional and crap like before and the thought of going through that again is making me more anxious than ever...

People think I'm fine

I talk, laugh, smoke, eat, drink, go out, buy things, engage, blah blah blah

I am behaving myself

I am not self harming

Inside I am screaming

I am convinced I am going to kill myself the moment I get home

Not because I want to die, because I don't, I fucking love life so badly, even when it's shitty I know that there are good things out there for me, gigs and friends and fun, I never lose sight of that

But I am so desperate not to feel over the next few weeks

To not live through the agony of waiting to hear that my Mum has died


It is a lose I am more afraid of than anything, the thing I fear more than anything and at times I feel delusional about it, like it's all in my head, but I know that my head only makes it worse, there is a little bit of truth in all the anxiety and fear

I'm becoming increasingly irrational

Somehow I can convince myself that my ex will find me out and beat me, rape me, kill me and part of me wants him to come, a bigger part of me wishes he'd just fucking killed me all those years ago and then I wouldn't be around now to feel so fucking much

Everything is so intense, colours and sounds and darkness

But I am fine

Fine fine fine

Completely fine

Because they say so

Maybe they actually want me to die

That makes so much sense

That's why they haven't ever listened to me properly

This is what they want

Well fuck them!

Friday, 13 August 2010


Show your wounds I'm bored with mine

And the tears fall like rain
Down my face again
All the words you wouldn't say
And the games you played
With my unfoolish heart
Oh I should have known this from the start

Oh the winter and spring
Going hand in hand
Just like my love and pain
How the thought of you cuts deep within the vein
Brand new skin stretched across scared terrain

I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live that life again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road
So I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live my lies again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road


All those years down the drain
Love was not enough when you want everything
What I gave to you and now the end must start
Oh I should have listened to my heart

'Cause I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live that life again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road
So I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live my lies again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road


I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live that life again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road
So I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live my lies again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road

"Let Down" by Linkin Park

I am still at the crisis house but I have to leave on Wednesday, on the same day my Mum goes in hospital for an operation.

It's these sudden and random impulses to die that I can't understand. In all honesty, I am not suicidal, but at the same time something in my head whispers die in my ear, jump in front of a train, sit in the road, run away... Moments when getting from here to then feels like such an unbearable amount of time that I can't see a way of moving through it...

I keep losing minutes of time, blanking in the middle of conversations, reading the same page of a book five times...

At times the anxiety feels like a living, breathing thing that lives inside of me that is desperate to get out. I can literally feel hands reaching up my throat and at times I gag and retch...

Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming when I'm awake, sometimes I feel like I'm awake when I'm dreaming...

My anger terrifies me. It is too much. I hate the knowledge that I can lash out, that I can go from having a chat with someone to climbing the walls and screaming and shouting at them so easily...

I want to stop seeing my Mum dead everytime I close my eyes or hearing the news that she's dead in my ears...

I want to get back to uni. I want to write again, be surronded by people, have a place and a purpose...

I want time to go backwards...

I don't want to deal...

I want to get on with the rest of my fucking life...

I am all of these things all of the time and it's making my brain burn.

In the last couple of days I have made contact with a counseller in Leicester that is experianced in a lot of the area's I would like support in (trauma/rape/self-harm/anxiety/depression/eating disorders) I really feel like having access to something that isn't to do with the mental health/crisis teams/BPD and something that I've chosen to do for myself.

The only thing is now I've mentioned about things in the emails to this woman I am scared that I will freeze up when I meet her. Or that the mental health teams will somehow get wind of what I am doing and I'll get into trouble. I'm also worried about paying £40 a session whilst being on a student loan.

Monday, 9 August 2010

I am so close to going and sitting in the middle of the road or from jumping off a bridge or in front of a train.

A girl who I was close with last year has been admitted to the crisis house, we went out for a few beers and she started telling the person that she was talking to her that I'd 'also been raped.'

I can't fucking cope.

I have twice gone into the bathroom with the intention of cutting myself to bits but resisted. I can't ring the crisis team because they make everything worse.

I don't want to fucking life anymore but that means jack shit because I am a maniuplative borderline.

I just want to die.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

I'm feeling really low right now. I keep crying everytime I'm left on my own for five minutes. This is the longest I haven't talked to my Mum in forever, literally. Yeah, I've done a lot of travelling and stuff but I always talked to my parents every couple of days, they called every day when I was at uni, and even though I am speaking with my Dad all the time and even meeting up with him I can't handle being 'seperated' from my Mum.

She's scared of me because I lashed out at her, she doesn't want to talk to me, she will only agree to see me at all if someone from the MH team go with me and supervise which should hopefully happen on Monday. I just wish I could make her see how sorry I am and how much I didn't mean it and how much I hate myself for the whole situation. But yet, I am still hurt by her reaction to the assault, still hurting and dwelling on what she said about me 'asking for it', whenever I even think about ringing the police back to tell them whevever I'm going to go for it or not, I hear her voice inside my head.

The past week I've been so upset over this fall out that the whole 'anniversary' thing hasn't had much time to torment me but now I feel like it's creeped up on my slowly and is there, waiting to hit me hard as soon as there's room in my head for it.

I feel like such a fundamentally bad person, like I deserve pain and suffering and abuse. It's just always been there ever since I was a baby, I had so much physically pain and hospital visits and operations and then when that was all over I had a crap time at school for being chubby, I had a torrent of verbal abuse from my Grandad about being fat and things between me and my Dad were so bad back then, then the eating disorder which triggered all the other mental health crap and then being in love with someone who hated me so much, of course he did, because if he loved me he would never have done it, and then all the random other times of horrific drug trips or stitches or overdoses or drunken chaos, losing friends I truly loved, fucking everything up...

What if I'm just not a good person? What if there isn't anything else out there for me...

Thursday, 5 August 2010

I know that I don't HAVE to press charges but I've been made to feel guilty about the consequences for others if I let it go. But then, that doesn't really mean much because I know that I could give a name and address and a full description and it would still never come to anything because no-one would believe ME...

I can't move into my place at Leicester till 1st Sept...

Things between me and my Dad have got violent before, but it's okay and we sort of burn ourselves out. I am terrified of talking even here because I don't want to be judged and hated, a certain someone has already accused me of being rude to my parents... But basically, the crisis team, the police and my parents were trying to pyhsically restrain me and I lashed out. I hate myself for it truly but I was already in such a fucking state with everything that went on...

It's alright here but it's not like being in a hospital or something where you simply don't have the option to do bad shit to yourself... I could do bad shit but if I get caught I get kicked out so it's all about me resisting the urges (which are immense since I got my sttiches out this morning)

I'm finding it so hard to stay in the present, everytime I stop concentrating my head floats around all over the place, I'm back to being a kid and all the shit that went down with my Grandad and * and it's hard to just stay focused on what's going on now, especially as that in itself is such a fucking mess and really painful...

I can't seem to find my voice at all right now.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Hey guys, just thought I'd pop in and say hi.
I'm at the crisis house at the minute and probably will be here till 17th August when my three weeks are up.
Things got really shit at home, violent and all that crap, the police came and made me take an ambulance to the hospital to get stiched up, then I had to stay the night there and then I came here...
I'm alright I guess, feeling like shit about everything being fucked at home and the police want me to press charges about the assault which I don't want to do...
Anyway, just thought I would let everyone know that I am alive and okay and explain why I've disappeared