Saturday, 7 August 2010

I'm feeling really low right now. I keep crying everytime I'm left on my own for five minutes. This is the longest I haven't talked to my Mum in forever, literally. Yeah, I've done a lot of travelling and stuff but I always talked to my parents every couple of days, they called every day when I was at uni, and even though I am speaking with my Dad all the time and even meeting up with him I can't handle being 'seperated' from my Mum.

She's scared of me because I lashed out at her, she doesn't want to talk to me, she will only agree to see me at all if someone from the MH team go with me and supervise which should hopefully happen on Monday. I just wish I could make her see how sorry I am and how much I didn't mean it and how much I hate myself for the whole situation. But yet, I am still hurt by her reaction to the assault, still hurting and dwelling on what she said about me 'asking for it', whenever I even think about ringing the police back to tell them whevever I'm going to go for it or not, I hear her voice inside my head.

The past week I've been so upset over this fall out that the whole 'anniversary' thing hasn't had much time to torment me but now I feel like it's creeped up on my slowly and is there, waiting to hit me hard as soon as there's room in my head for it.

I feel like such a fundamentally bad person, like I deserve pain and suffering and abuse. It's just always been there ever since I was a baby, I had so much physically pain and hospital visits and operations and then when that was all over I had a crap time at school for being chubby, I had a torrent of verbal abuse from my Grandad about being fat and things between me and my Dad were so bad back then, then the eating disorder which triggered all the other mental health crap and then being in love with someone who hated me so much, of course he did, because if he loved me he would never have done it, and then all the random other times of horrific drug trips or stitches or overdoses or drunken chaos, losing friends I truly loved, fucking everything up...

What if I'm just not a good person? What if there isn't anything else out there for me...

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had words.
    All I know is that I understand the chaos.
    Even if each of our chaos is different.
    Thinking of you ♥