Monday, 16 August 2010

Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me

Last night I completely freaked out
Became convinced that my care-co and doctor want me dead and that the reason the crisis team never help is because they all want me to kill myself
They said they would call me this morning and they didn't
They are next door to the day hospital and they couldn't even be bothered to come over and see if I was okay
I literally broke my heart on the phone to them
I have a weeks worth of medication lined up
What is it?
Well that won't kill you
All I can say is I advise you not to do it
All the time I am saying
I'm agitated and delusional and I need someone to come and be with me
They say that they can't come out to me
I ring my Dad and he finds me sitting on the side of the road and takes me home
Home is safer than here
Home I have people around me through the night
Here I am on my own
I was begging for them to help and they didn't do anything
I tried to talk it through with my nurse at the day hospital but she just says that I have capacity and choice which okay, fair enough, but I get no advise on how to deal with all these thoughts and urges
And the fact that they feel to me to just be leaving me to get worse increases all the paranoid thoughts I have about them not wanting me to get better and spreading lies about me
The crisis team have let me down too many times
I don't trust them or anyone else involved in my 'care'
I hate having this fucking borderline label
Before I got diagnonsed and I got all hysterical and pyschotic they put be in the hospital within two days
Now they do bugger all
I am just left to sit it out on my own
Anxiety that feels like a snake rearing up inside of me
Pushing it's way up through my throat
Out of my mouth
I should see a doctor tomorrow
I should go back home
I am terrified
Of what I might do in desperation not to feel
My Mum is gonna die
I see her dead all the time
I hear the news in my head all the time
I can't think straight or rationalise anything
Noody's listening

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