Thursday, 28 July 2011

I haven't said enough

So, I never did update about my appointment (s)

I saw the psychiatrist last Friday. He was okay, although I still don't feel 'quite right' with him, if that makes any sense. I managed to talk about everything, he wanted to see my SI so I shown it him and I think that changed his whole attitude towards me, like he believed that the bugs are shadows are 'real' for me. He's put me on Haloperidol to try and help...

My medication is now;

Seroquel - 400mg
Lamictal - 200mg
Mirtazapine - 45mg
Seroxat - 20mg
Haloperidol - 3mg
Zopiclone - 7.5mg (PRN)

Am I normal yet?

My (home) CPN was completely fucking useless though, she is part of the DBT team and her answer for EVERYTHING is DBT, she even suggested I get re-reffered and do the whole course again. Seriously unimpressed! I do *try* the DBT skills but they just don't work right now and I honestly don't think I'd get anything out of doing it again. In fact I think it would be completely counter-productive, going back over old ground al shit. She also made a comment about Jassmine House (rape crisis) in front of my parents which I felt was bang out of order, like a complete betrayel of confidentiality, because I've made it clear that I don't want my parents to know about that, so now I'm kind of pissed of and angry, although I don't think my parents know what she was talking about because she just said the name, but now I just feel exposed and awful and really, really fucking angry!

She also said something really flippant about me going to hospital, I mean none of us even brought it up, she just randomly said 'well, she can never go to a psych ward because it would be the worst place for her' which also made me angry, because I wasn't even thinking about anything like that but now my head is all like 'well, I'm not that bad, maybe things are better than I think they are' or 'they think I'm attention/validity seeking' when I am not at all, because like I said, I wasn't even remotely thinking about hospital until she said that.

I really don't know what to make of her and everytime I feel like I don't think someone is doing their job I get the thoughts that it's just me or something, me just being all Borderline and shit and not liking anybody, when that isn't true because I do like some professionals, but it's a two way thing y'know, and I don't ever feel like I get anything back from Mari (home CPN) I'm seeing Melita (Leicester CPN) the start of next week, who is a damn sight better than the one here and I see her on my own so it should be okay. She usually makes me feel a bit better and more positive, even if nothing really actually changes, she's good to have a chat with, y'know, I like her a lot.

I'm supposed to be flat hunting back in Leicester for Sept but my head is just too foggy, if anything the Haldol is making my head more foggy, but I guess foggy is better than full of bugs, but it makes actual rela life stuff difficult. Maybe it will wear off... I'm also finding it hard during the day, I get two doses of Haldol, one in the evening and one before bed, but by midday I feel all anxious and awful and buggy again. I don't know whether that's just my brain storing up the crap...

I've not drank since 25th but still struggling with cravings even though I know it's useless and pointless, it just helps stop the memories, it kind of kills them so I don't have to deal with them, but I know that it will always find other ways to come out of the woodwork... I can't seem to get any handle of the SI, though, it just feels inevitable, or like everything would be a million times worse if I didn't have those few moments of restbite.

Things aren't terrible, the Haldol has definately made the nights easier and the bugs less, but the getting from the morning to the evening is difficult, I'm restless and find it difficult to focus on distractions, or the anxiety gets too much. Things don't feel okay though, I don't feel 100% safe mentally or physically and their is still a... white hot pain in my head that nothing can keep cool.

This is all a bit cut and paste from various bits of rambling.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

RIP Amy Winehouse

'They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.'

I know what it's like to care THAT MUCH about someone through their music or art or writing, that I find it really, really upsetting when people make cheap jokes about 'celebrities' dying because you know, to someone their music or book or film means everything.

I understand that some people don't feel like that, or understand that, but I know that there are people that do and I always feel so bad for them when this kind of thing happen, that I know the deep and genuine grief that they feel, the fact that they feel like a massive part of themselves has died. It's not about the fact that someone famous has died, it's about the fact that someone who you felt 'emotionally connected to' has died. Words and music and films can do that, they can reach across languages and races and ages and get to the heart of people. Why should those people be belittled for hurting, or told that they're 'missing the bigger picture'.

For the record, I care equally about the people who died in Norway, I'm not saying that one death is more important than the other, only that I understand why some people 'need to grieve' when their favourite singer/actor/writer dies. What I don't understand is the need that some people have to take the 'moral highround', and to imply that lives lost to addiction are not as valid as those lost to a bomb explosion, or terrorist attacks, or Earthquakes, or floods, or fires.

No-one asks to be a drug addict or an alchoholic, anymore than someone asks to be the victim of a natural (or otherwise) disaster.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Turn left

So, I've come up with a sort of list in my head of what needs to change and whether or not I can make the changes myself (or atleast work on them with support) or if I feel like I need some 'medical' support, or psychiatric medical support, or whatever the term for it is.

I think that the psychiatrist should help me with medication to sort out the hallucinations and dissociative episodes, because I honestly don't see how I can sort those out for myself, or with talking type therapy. I am aware that I'm already on a fair few different drugs, and they all do something to help me - depression, mood swings, impulsivity, panic attacks, sleep - but they don't seem to do anything at all for the shadows and bugs and bits of my body being disconnected. So, ideally, I would like my meds to stay the same and have something added, Risperdal really worked well for me a few years back so I'd be willing to go back on that, and it's not addictive or 'recreational' at so I can't really see how it would be a problem. The only problem I do see with it is the amount of meds I would be taking, and how I am told over and over again that medication is useless in helping BPD. I'm not sure how I would get past that... I think that my low mood and suicidal ideation would go down if my head was quieter. I also think that my drinking would improve as I am using it to try and regulate all of this crap, to make my head shut up for a bit...

If that got sorted out, then I would have a better chance at reducing the self-harm, in the meantime I need to look after myself better, stop interfering with healing, go to A&E when I need to - I never used to have a problem with that but there have been a few too many times the last couple of weeks that I just haven't been able to bring myself to go and get looked at even though I *knew* I needed it.

I'm not getting very far in councelling, and maybe when things are a bit more stable I need to push myself to talk more. This is 100% my responsibility and I accept that I need to put the work in there. It is just so hard...

There are times when I am genuinely scared for my safety, of not being able to resist killing myself, the fear that I will eventually break down and do something drastic. I am not sure what they can do about that, if anything, I don't have my permanant address in Leicester yet so I can't access HTT...

If things don't work out tomorrow and nothing changes then I am going to have to let someone else stand up and fight my corner. I know that I have people here I can talk to and ask to do that and I appreciate it so much, I can't tell you. I feel better knowing that if it all goes to shit then I'm not completely isolated and alone.

Seriously, this is the clearest I've been able to think in weeks and even though it's all theoretical it atleast feels like there is the potential for things to change, but whether I will be listened to or taken seriously or anything will actually get done is a compeltely different matter...

Monday, 18 July 2011

Spots that never come off

My Nun CPN is going to come round to the house on Weds
My parents are worried about me but they don't even know the half of what's really going on
They only know about my self-harm
They don't know about the rape/dissociation/hallucinations or the suicide fantasies or the drinking
I am trying so hard to reign the drinking back on but I just... don't seem to be able to do it
It's like the all or nothing switch has flicked in my head and now that I've started I may as well keep going and going and going
I am scared of talking in front of them but at the same time I'm obviously not getting very far talking for myself
The woman is useless and only ever tells me to 'push myself to do more'
When I already do more than I feel I can cope with
Which is part of why I end up in such a state most nights

Then the psychiatrist on Friday
I'm going to give him a chance
I don't really have much choice about it
But if I don't get anywhere then I'm going to go to the GP and ask what I can be done about seeing someone else

I'm dreading that 'well what do you think will help' question
Because I really don't know
I want to say that I was on this drug before and it helped
So can I please start taking it again
And maybe have some kind of practical support in place
Someone to help me sort out all the things that my brain can't cope with right now
I find it so hard to say that kind of stuff though
Especially to people who I don't think really 'understand me'
Or who will judge me
Or not believe me
I guess that is what I'm most afraid of right now
That people don't believe me
That they think I'm it all up
I'm getting so paranoid
Convinced that everyone is talking about me
Plotting to humiliate me or hurt me
That friendship doesn't really exist
Or that I don't deserve it
Everything just feels.... hostile
Shadows in the wall
It's like there are... ghosts
I can see them and feel them and the weight of them on my chest makes it difficult to breath
The darkness is like a physical sheet of black
It's not just a feeling
It's there
I can see it and hear it and feel it
It exists

If things don't change at all by the end of the week then I really don't think I can keep going
I'm not saying that as a threat or anything like that
It's just... I cannot stand the thought of staying like this for much longer
It's time that things start to change
Even if it's just a little bit
I feel stuck
I don't want to be stuck
I just want to get back to 'normal'
For the world to slot back into place


Sunday, 17 July 2011


'I can't sleep these days
and my blues they won't go away
so these little pills I've been taking
my doctor she says they're safe
but I've been sleepwalking down to the lake
and waking up in the water'

For the past few days I've hallucinated different ways of committing suicide, in vivid detail, exactly how it looks, what I would have to do, how long I would have to stay underwater, how many pills I would have to take, how high a building I would have to jump off... The thing is, I don't really want to die, I just keep seeing it. Hearing noises in the wall and bugs under my skin... I can't make anything out, except these visions of death, everything else is a blur, white noise.

I can't keep going like this. I just can't. But I am so quiet, contained, sane, that all this shit doesn't even register, no one can tell, fuck it I can't even tell when I look the in the mirror. A part of me wishes I could lose that control, that I could just start screaming and crying and throwing myself off bridges and into lakes, but I'm not like that, I just keep it all inside, drink and cut and burn and try and numb myself from it.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

It's just words they mean so little to me

I'm not that great
I really think I'm losing this fight
I just feel so.... bad inside

I try to distract myself but I get so restless
I can't stick to one book or one film or one album
I keep flicking constantly between things
It makes it really hard to get any kind of focus/engagement going

I've been drinking every day
I feel a lot less anxious
Less aware of my body and all the memories that go with it

I still see and hear things though
The walls are shaking
I SI and it stops for a bit
Then it just comes back
Bits of my body don't feel right
Don't feel connected

I feel like all I am doing is trying to reist killing myself
I just want it to stop
I don't know how this psych appointment is going to go
I want something to change
Specifically, to go back on Risperdal
But I am failing at keeping myself safe
I drink and cut and burn becuase they're the only thing that stop me overdosing or drowning myself
But I can't shake it off my thoughts
Seeing it all the time

Jenny, you're barely alive

Sunday, 10 July 2011

You're not alone in trying to be

I had a really bad night, I used all my behaviours apart from drinking, that was only because I didn't have anything to drink or any money to go and buy some. Today feels a bit better, but the pain in my head is like a blinding white light, my skin is on fire from the crawling bugs in my blood, the things talking and moving behind the walls are getting so loud, the memories just won't leave me alone...

I'm trying. I am really fucking trying. Getting up every day, getting dressed, going out and doing something, making plans, tying myself to the future and therefore staying alive...

I want to go back on Risperdal. I want a break from trying to keep myself safe. I want a break from living in my head. I want a break from... life.

I am tired. I am so bone achingly fucking tired.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Sleep the clock around

I had an okay day yesterday, I had counselling which was okay and then I went out to eat with one of my best friends and then to a gig. I was meant to be meeting up with my ex-flatmate today to go to London Comic-Con but I had such an awful nightmare last night, about being pregnant, and when I woke up I just couldn't bring myself to move. I feel like a complete shit for letting my friend now and that just makes me want to isolate myself even more.

My appointment with the psychiatrist is a week on Friday, I want to ask about going back on Risperdal but I just can't see how I can bring myself to do it because I really don't want to stop taking Seroquel either, it's the only thing that gives me a shot at a decent night's sleep. I don't know, I'm going to come across as this drug seeking idiot and I really don't want that, with the whole BPD thing, I end up feeling like I don't have the right to ask for anything because 'drugs don't help' and it's just... argh! I know the things I see/hear/feel aren't real, but they still bother me, they still get in the way of my 'normal life', like the days I'm just too scared to go outside.

I just don't know.

I also keep bursting into random crying fits over Deathly Hallows, knowing that it's going to be all over in less than a week, the fact that it'll be the day after the last ever time I see Bright Eyes the day before is making the whole thing overly-emotional. It's like all the little things that keep me going are not going to be there soon... Heartsick!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Do you remember the first time?

I had a good talk with my CPN, she didn't make me feel like I was pathetic for hurting over the past, I think she just has a better way of wording things than the woman I see at home, so even though nothing has actually change (I'm not getting more help/meds) I leave feeling like I've at least had a bit of an off-loading session. I haven't managed to talk about the intense drowning fantasies I'm having, although I did say I've been feel suicidal, so it's all the same thing really I guess. Although the drowning thing is more of an obbsession, I get such graphic dreams and visions of it... I'm hearing dead babies crying in the walls, and this fog of black dust falls of the ceiling and goes into my mouth and chokes me. I'm self-harming on and off all day, trying to resist the urge to really fuck myself up.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I want to go back on my old meds (Risperdal) because it really did sort out my hallucinations and suicidal ideation a few years back, but it's been such a long and I keep getting told that medication isn't going to help me so I'm reluctant to bring it up.

I have crisis counselling tomorrow. I know I'm going to feel fucking awful afterwards even if I don't talk about anything much. Just being there is enough to make me sick and ashamed.

I stole some of my Mum's diazepam earlier and my thoughts have been a little more coherent and less racing but it's worn off now and I can't get anymore. I'm tripling my Zopiclone so I'm running out of it fast.

I have a psych appointment in a couple of weeks but it's with the same one as before and I was so furious and upset afterwards I don't think it's worth it. I don't know, I keep getting told that there is nothing biologically wrong with me and that all I can do is keep fighting but I am so.fucking.tired and I want something, someone, to get back to a place where I can do that.

The circus girl fell off her horse, now she's paralyzed

If I was drunk and they were drunk and I didn't fight back or scream then it's my fault, I don't have the right to say otherwise, to feel otherwise. My CPN is right, there is no pill in the world that can fix this, and I don't have the energy to fight anymore.

I want absolution. I want to hear that it wasn't my fault. I need to know that the people who did this to me aren't getting on with their life as if it never happened. I know that they are though, I know that they have love and girlfriends and plans for the future, that essentially their life doesn't include what they did to me.

I want to drink. I am so fucking desperate to get drunk. To forget. To not feel.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Cover me in white clay

I'm going to the doctors in a bit to get my SI looked at
My hands is very swollen and painful and I've put it off for over a week and it's not got any better so trying to be sensible and get it properly sorted out
I managed to get up and dressed today and go into town for an hour with my mum and newphew
My parents have no idea how bads things are for me right now and I think it's putting on a huge strain on our relationship
Which isn't great at the best of times
I'm trying so hard to fight through but I'm just exhausted
The noise in my head won't stop drumming
The thoughts of drowning and poisoning myself are still very strong and turn into graphic images I see myself dead all the time and it looks so fucking perfect and peaceful
The bugs under my skin won't stip infesting my blood
The 'proper' flashbacks and memories and dissociation are unbearable
I want to self harm pretty much constantly
I just don't feel like I can do anything to make it better
I just feel so fucking trapped in my own head
I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I'm not expected anything to come of it
I just feel.... compelely fucking hopeless and lost

Friday, 1 July 2011

Play me a song to set me free

I managed to make it into town for my session and then when I got there
I found out it had been cancelled
It was such an effort that afterwards I felt so bad
I went to the GP's to see if I could make an appointment but nothing's free till next week

So I left it
On the way I home I had an awful flashback of an horrific acid trip I had years and years ago
Now I am too scared to even move
I just want to curl up under the covers and die
I'm blaming myself for everything
For being drunk
For not fighting back
For not screaming out
But when it was happening I was just paralyzed and I couldn't do anything
I couldn't even say no
I can't even remember it consiously
Just in flashbacks that I don't really believe
The noise in my head is unbearable
I cut to get the bugs out of my skin
But it just starts again
I don't want to eat
I want to starve to death
I want to lose 100lbs
I want to be skinny again
I am obese and ugly and disgusting
I just want to disappear
I want to trust the way that I see the world
To feel connected
To feel like I exist
I just want it to stop