Thursday, 28 July 2011

I haven't said enough

So, I never did update about my appointment (s)

I saw the psychiatrist last Friday. He was okay, although I still don't feel 'quite right' with him, if that makes any sense. I managed to talk about everything, he wanted to see my SI so I shown it him and I think that changed his whole attitude towards me, like he believed that the bugs are shadows are 'real' for me. He's put me on Haloperidol to try and help...

My medication is now;

Seroquel - 400mg
Lamictal - 200mg
Mirtazapine - 45mg
Seroxat - 20mg
Haloperidol - 3mg
Zopiclone - 7.5mg (PRN)

Am I normal yet?

My (home) CPN was completely fucking useless though, she is part of the DBT team and her answer for EVERYTHING is DBT, she even suggested I get re-reffered and do the whole course again. Seriously unimpressed! I do *try* the DBT skills but they just don't work right now and I honestly don't think I'd get anything out of doing it again. In fact I think it would be completely counter-productive, going back over old ground al shit. She also made a comment about Jassmine House (rape crisis) in front of my parents which I felt was bang out of order, like a complete betrayel of confidentiality, because I've made it clear that I don't want my parents to know about that, so now I'm kind of pissed of and angry, although I don't think my parents know what she was talking about because she just said the name, but now I just feel exposed and awful and really, really fucking angry!

She also said something really flippant about me going to hospital, I mean none of us even brought it up, she just randomly said 'well, she can never go to a psych ward because it would be the worst place for her' which also made me angry, because I wasn't even thinking about anything like that but now my head is all like 'well, I'm not that bad, maybe things are better than I think they are' or 'they think I'm attention/validity seeking' when I am not at all, because like I said, I wasn't even remotely thinking about hospital until she said that.

I really don't know what to make of her and everytime I feel like I don't think someone is doing their job I get the thoughts that it's just me or something, me just being all Borderline and shit and not liking anybody, when that isn't true because I do like some professionals, but it's a two way thing y'know, and I don't ever feel like I get anything back from Mari (home CPN) I'm seeing Melita (Leicester CPN) the start of next week, who is a damn sight better than the one here and I see her on my own so it should be okay. She usually makes me feel a bit better and more positive, even if nothing really actually changes, she's good to have a chat with, y'know, I like her a lot.

I'm supposed to be flat hunting back in Leicester for Sept but my head is just too foggy, if anything the Haldol is making my head more foggy, but I guess foggy is better than full of bugs, but it makes actual rela life stuff difficult. Maybe it will wear off... I'm also finding it hard during the day, I get two doses of Haldol, one in the evening and one before bed, but by midday I feel all anxious and awful and buggy again. I don't know whether that's just my brain storing up the crap...

I've not drank since 25th but still struggling with cravings even though I know it's useless and pointless, it just helps stop the memories, it kind of kills them so I don't have to deal with them, but I know that it will always find other ways to come out of the woodwork... I can't seem to get any handle of the SI, though, it just feels inevitable, or like everything would be a million times worse if I didn't have those few moments of restbite.

Things aren't terrible, the Haldol has definately made the nights easier and the bugs less, but the getting from the morning to the evening is difficult, I'm restless and find it difficult to focus on distractions, or the anxiety gets too much. Things don't feel okay though, I don't feel 100% safe mentally or physically and their is still a... white hot pain in my head that nothing can keep cool.

This is all a bit cut and paste from various bits of rambling.

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