Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Not Afraid

I had 2 b/p's on Sunday - my first in ages and for a moment I remembered all the reasons why I used to do it regularly and none of the reasons as to why I made such a huge effort to stop. The stress and anxiety of becoming flat mates with someone with active ED'ed behaviours is something I'm not coping with as well as I would have wanted... I feel so incredibly vulnerable. Doing a bit better now, though.. Back to ED's... I sort of feel like relapse is not an option - there is too many good things in my life that I wouldn't risk for anything, especially an ED. I have so much more self-esteem and confidence now than I ever had losing weight. I feel like I'm starting to fit and fill my own skin, sometimes it feels incredibly uncomfortable and I panic, but the times that it feels good and like I'm becoming a person in my own right and building my own identity away from mental health and ED's are worth it.

Food aside I got discharged from non-ED day treatment after being there since July... I feel quite emotional about it, I met some really nice people and it helped through a really rough summer. I'm still getting up tothe theraputic dosage of Lamictal but so far I'm finding it one of the best meds I've tried, taking Cymbalta and Seroquel (XR and normal) alongside it (and sometimes Zopiclone) and I'm still in DBT and had a couple of sessions with the pychotherapist whom I'm paying to see and who has nothing to do with the NHS or my CMHT... Still waiting to be allocated a new CPN and the pyschiatrist I've been seeing since 2007 (and who I got the BPD diagnosis from) is leaving so I'll probably never see him again which feels a bit weird after being under his care for so long (even if sometimes I felt like he was hopeless) but I've seen one in Leicester a couple of times so it's not like I'll be starting completely afresh... It feels like the end of an era in a way.

It also feels like a lot to be taking and doing from the system but I'm tying to come to grips with that and accept that I deserve it and that I'm doing the right thing.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

smoke. drink. eat. love. life

"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end"
- 'I Miss You' by Blink 182

So, what's been happening? Lots and lots, really, nearly all of it pretty damn fabulous! I've actually noticed a real difference being on the Lamictal, I'm far less impulsive than I was and my moods are better although still swinging a bit but they feel alot more withing the 'normal range' if that makes any sense. I got put on 50mg at ward round so hopefully it'll be even better this time next week. I don't want to move back to uni still getting medication sorted but I'm sure I could get an appointment or something with a GP over there to sort it out, It's a bit of an intense time mental HELLeath wise, right now. Three days of day hospital, DBT individual and group, therapy (although I didn't go last week because the friggin taxi never turned up!) and more meds than I've been on before (100mg Seroquel, 300 mg Seroquel XL, 50mg Lamictal, 120mg Cymbalta and 7.5mg Zopiclone)

But all in all I think I'm getting there... Have really got my lust for life back over the last week or so, looking forward to second year and living with some of my best friends and all the great gigs that I've got lined up and just generelly having a blast!

Oh, and I have a wonderful girlfriend, too.


Sunday, 5 September 2010

It ain't me, babe

I went to my first Pride on Saturday which was nowhere near as exciting as I thought it would be but still a day of rainbow love is fab!

Things that I hate

- how I go from happy, chatty drunk t0 stupid, irrationally, far too drunk without noticing until it's too late.
- how everyone in Leicester seems to be in a couple.
- when I'm at home I want to be at uni and when I'm at uni I want to be at home
- doctors that don't care
- being fatter than I have ever been and not being able to get it together to eat less and loes
- being patr0nised by people at least two years younger than me yet feeling a lot younger than I really am
- being so fucking vulnerable
- fucking up so many friendships
- sitting awake at 5AM with only day hospital to get up for
- feeling safe and relaxed in the smoking garden at said day hotspital and not really wanting to leave
- myself. intensley.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits

"It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like i can't stop what i'm hearing within
It's like the voice inside is right beneath my skin
Right beneath my skin"
- Papercut by Linkin Park

My Mum went into the hospital but the consultant decided not to operate because he didn't think it would be worthwhile and wanted to wait until he had no choice to prevent having to do the operation again.

At the time I felt complete relief but after a few hours I came down and started to feel horrible and guilty and angry and so much random emotion and I ended up cutting, not badly, only scratches really, and then today I got into a bit of an argument with my DBT therapist because she insists on telling me that SI'ing is going to kill me yet that just triggers me back to the times I have done real damage to myself and needed internal stitching and overnight observation because I'd lost so much blood and I just get angry because even though, yes I self harmed, I feel like I am slowly getting to a place where I can control the amount of damage and use it as a release instead of a drastic self-punishment. My head is so fucking messed up I don't really know what to think.

The nights are still terrible for nightmares and flashbacks and my grounding skills are crap because I've never really learnt how to do it properly, I'm hoping that I can try and talk about it if I see the shrink on Friday at the day hospital and hoping that I will get my days cut down or discharged and then get on with this new CPN and consultant (if it ever happens) I'm not sure what I want from them, a different point of view? Answers? Fuck!

I don't know. I feel really confused right now.