Wednesday, 1 September 2010

White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits

"It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like i can't stop what i'm hearing within
It's like the voice inside is right beneath my skin
Right beneath my skin"
- Papercut by Linkin Park

My Mum went into the hospital but the consultant decided not to operate because he didn't think it would be worthwhile and wanted to wait until he had no choice to prevent having to do the operation again.

At the time I felt complete relief but after a few hours I came down and started to feel horrible and guilty and angry and so much random emotion and I ended up cutting, not badly, only scratches really, and then today I got into a bit of an argument with my DBT therapist because she insists on telling me that SI'ing is going to kill me yet that just triggers me back to the times I have done real damage to myself and needed internal stitching and overnight observation because I'd lost so much blood and I just get angry because even though, yes I self harmed, I feel like I am slowly getting to a place where I can control the amount of damage and use it as a release instead of a drastic self-punishment. My head is so fucking messed up I don't really know what to think.

The nights are still terrible for nightmares and flashbacks and my grounding skills are crap because I've never really learnt how to do it properly, I'm hoping that I can try and talk about it if I see the shrink on Friday at the day hospital and hoping that I will get my days cut down or discharged and then get on with this new CPN and consultant (if it ever happens) I'm not sure what I want from them, a different point of view? Answers? Fuck!

I don't know. I feel really confused right now.

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