Monday, 18 July 2011

Spots that never come off

My Nun CPN is going to come round to the house on Weds
My parents are worried about me but they don't even know the half of what's really going on
They only know about my self-harm
They don't know about the rape/dissociation/hallucinations or the suicide fantasies or the drinking
I am trying so hard to reign the drinking back on but I just... don't seem to be able to do it
It's like the all or nothing switch has flicked in my head and now that I've started I may as well keep going and going and going
I am scared of talking in front of them but at the same time I'm obviously not getting very far talking for myself
The woman is useless and only ever tells me to 'push myself to do more'
When I already do more than I feel I can cope with
Which is part of why I end up in such a state most nights

Then the psychiatrist on Friday
I'm going to give him a chance
I don't really have much choice about it
But if I don't get anywhere then I'm going to go to the GP and ask what I can be done about seeing someone else

I'm dreading that 'well what do you think will help' question
Because I really don't know
I want to say that I was on this drug before and it helped
So can I please start taking it again
And maybe have some kind of practical support in place
Someone to help me sort out all the things that my brain can't cope with right now
I find it so hard to say that kind of stuff though
Especially to people who I don't think really 'understand me'
Or who will judge me
Or not believe me
I guess that is what I'm most afraid of right now
That people don't believe me
That they think I'm it all up
I'm getting so paranoid
Convinced that everyone is talking about me
Plotting to humiliate me or hurt me
That friendship doesn't really exist
Or that I don't deserve it
Everything just feels.... hostile
Shadows in the wall
It's like there are... ghosts
I can see them and feel them and the weight of them on my chest makes it difficult to breath
The darkness is like a physical sheet of black
It's not just a feeling
It's there
I can see it and hear it and feel it
It exists

If things don't change at all by the end of the week then I really don't think I can keep going
I'm not saying that as a threat or anything like that
It's just... I cannot stand the thought of staying like this for much longer
It's time that things start to change
Even if it's just a little bit
I feel stuck
I don't want to be stuck
I just want to get back to 'normal'
For the world to slot back into place

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