Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Everything feels like the movies

And again there is more on the news and in the papers as to the age of 'knowing what you're doing' and whether a child can abuse another child or whether or not they don't understand
And it makes my brain hurt and my heart hurt and then I get angry and don't want to think anymore because it's stupid and pointless
The whole thing is stupid and pointless
But if that was really the case then why do I feel so terribly tainted by things that happened 10/15 years ago
Nothing is simple
I wish that I could be a true 'victim', a clear cut case in the eyes of the law
But that's never going to happen
So many people's reactions tell me enough to know that
Friends that believed other friends and called me a liar
People who said I was asking for it by the way that I look
Or drinking
Or taking drugs
Or else otherwise being incapacitated to fight them all off
It's wrong to envy another person's Hell but I do
I would willingly be beaten and raped by a stranger in a park than this mismatched memory maze of accountability
A child can't hurt another child
It's just harmless fun
All kids experiment
I suppose they do
But kids are clever and cunning
And if they're knowing enough to plan ahead
And make sure that no-one sees what they're doing
Then surely they must know that it's wrong
But that's not what the letters say and that's not what my brain says
And then today they say that I cut because of my mum and anxiety
And I almost cry and say it's so much more than that
So much more than I will ever be able to articulate
And then it feels like a list I have invented in my head
Too much chaos, too many crappy hands, for it to be real
I don't feel real anymore
I feel like an actress
Playing myself in a movie
Because life feels like a disaster movie
Or a tragic life story made for tv afternoon
Except there's not happy ending
Just more pain and memoires and this desperate isolation from help
That no-one will help me
Everyone assumes that I can control it
I can't control it
I want to buy razor blades and hack away at all these stories
All these bits of myself that don't feel like they belong to me
And be a good person again
A person that they see as worth saving
But they won't me dead, don't they?
They are all against me
They won't help
And I don't know how to help myself
And i despreately want out

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