Tuesday, 19 October 2010


"Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside."
- Rita Rudner

I had a God awful night last night. Hurt, constantly crying about everything, paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back and spreading rumours about me. I'm convinced that if I go outside then I'm going to get raped and become pregnant. I'm going through an episode of Tokophobia and I'm not sure what's triggered it as no-one I know is pregnant at the minute but it's such a strong fear.

Primary tokophobia is the fear and deep-seated dread of childbirth which pre-dates pregnancy and can start in adolescence. This often relates back to their own mother's experience or something they learned in school.

- my Mum was in hospital for most of her pregnency with me because she was really ill and needed constant medical supervision
- I was born ten weeks early and had a mass of medical problems, collapsed lung, life support
- my sister has had four miscarriages
- the feeling of being completely out of control over my body is terrifying
- I am convinced that I would get pyschotic post natel depression and kill myself and the baby
- I'm not good enough to be a mother
- the idea of some alien like creature growing inside of me, taking me over, is terrifying

The sight of pregnant woman makes me feel physically sick, as do the sight of pregnancy tests and any images however 'mild' of sex. I know that I am NOT pregnant, I haven't slept with anyone in over a year, and I've taken 10 different tests over the last couple of days, but a part of my brain isn't work right and is telling me that I am. I've got fatter because I'm pregnant. I'm depressed because I'm pregnant. I feel sick and keep blacking out because I'm pregnant. My head keeps going back to being raped but this time I am pregnent, it's like some kind of rewritten flashback. I get raped by the same person, same day, same time, same place, but then I'm pregnent and no-one will let me terminate and I have to give birth and it's horrific and I have to kill my baby and then myself...... This didn't happen but somehow my brain has latched onto it and added it to the memory of what did.

I want to take a knife to my stomach and see that there's nothing in there. The urge is so strong, the fear is so strong, that there is something growing inside of me that I'm supposed to love but all I do is hate it.

There is only so many times I can say THIS IS NOT REAL before I have to prove it or just cut to get rid of the terrible urges because I don't believe that they will dissappear this time.

I feel like I've lost the plot in the blink of an eye.

No comments:

Post a Comment