Monday, 29 November 2010

I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it tainted, tainted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it tainted, tainted, tainted, tainted black

Hmm, hmm, hmm...
'Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones'

So I guess I should update...

Things have gone somewhat horrifically awful over the last couple of months. I don’t know what’s wrong really, depression I guess. I've had to quit university for the year, they didn't want me to continue because I was never making it in.

I never really had flashbacks before but I’ve spent the last few weeks in a near constant state of unreality, or dissociation, terrible memories. I’ve been self-harming badly, ended up in A&E the other night and had to get patched up by a plastic surgeon, missed my tendons by less than a millimetre, cut through so much muscle that my left hand has already lost some use, I got told pretty bluntly that I need to cut a different part of my body because my left arm is so full of scar tissue and muscle damage that it’s going to end up paralysed very easily. I’ve been suicidal a lot; I attempted to take a Paracetamol overdose on Friday night, it was planned, I knew that I would have an empty flat and no-one to find me, I got as fair as ten and broke down in tears. I looked it up on the internet and know that you have to take at least thirty... I guess I didn’t have the courage to do it. I’ve thought of everything. Jumping off a bridge. Jumping in front of a train. Covering myself in petrol and lighting a cigarette. Drowning. The OCD is coming back, for the first time really since I was sixteen, I’m carrying disinfectant around with me, the number three... It’s telling me to kill myself on 11/11/11, because then I will succeed, because the numbers are right...
I've been seeing the home treatment team for the last couple of weeks, since my psych changed my meds (Cymbalta to Mirtazapine) don't feel any better, except the fact that I now sleep solid through the night, but sleepng just makes the nightmares worse when you can't wake up from them.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment at the rape crisis centre. I don’t want to go. I don’t deserve it. They won’t believe me. There’s nothing to do. Nothing happened. It’s all in my fucking head. Driving me insane but just a fucked up nightmare, it didn’t happen.
I feel like I'm losing my shit, at the same time I feel like it's somehow not enough, that I'm not going through something real, I'm not really depressed at all, I definately don't have any kind of post traumatic whatever, all I have is the fucking borderline label, that just makes me out to be a liar, a manipulator, sure I say I'm suicidal, but I'm not really, I'm faking, I want attention or soemthing, I want to be 'validated'
Actually, I just want to fucking die, for everything to be other, or to wake up as a different person, in a different time, a different place, a different name, a different face...

I don't really have anything else to say.

1 comment:

  1. Em, I don't particularly think that anything I could say here, or articulate, could ease any of what you are going through.
    I know that words are words, and love is love, and yet pain is pain.
    I am terribly sorry and hurt that you are suffering in such an extreme way.
    I am hurt than no help is intervening and helping you save you from yourself.
    All I can say, and advice, is to reach out.
    To pick up the phone, access any resources you can, and to get the true help you need.
    Destruction breeds more destruction. Madness seeps in, and before you are even aware of it being there, it has infiltrated everything. Like cancer. Spreading.
    You do deserve help and you deserve to not suffer this way.
    I just hope and pray, you get through this xxxxxx