Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Your nightmares follow you like a shadow, forever

I've started having rape dreams, nightmares, I wake up and I feel sick of the things that have come into my head during the night. I know I can't control it and I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about it but I do. I really fucking do. I wake up and I hate myself. I blame myself and shout at myself that I must be sick in the head to dream up such horrible things. I get so angry. I feel so ashamed.

Hardly any of the dreams involve things that have actually happened to me. The most vivid one was about a woman who tied me up and put tissue paper down my throat so I couldn't scream out without choking, It kept repeating over and over again on a loop. It was so real. I woke up and for most of the day I was convinced that it was real. That it had happened. I felt so dirty. The thoughts that I'm a whore get really, really intrusive and intense. I spend most of the time I'm awake going over and over in my head what did happen to me to try and make sense of it to myself, to see that the dreams are just dreams. That makes me feel fucking awful. I can't close my eyes without seeing his face. I try and describe it to myself and I get terrified. The rapes repeat over and over and over again. Then I go to sleep, eventually, and I dream up a whole lot of other crap.

Every night it takes me hours to get into bed. I sit in the dark huddled up and shaking. Trying not to cry. I am so scared of being asleep.

I've tried so many things. Sleeping tablets. Leaving the light on. Compulsive checking of doors and windows. Leaving the TV on. But nothing helps.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. That I am sick in the head and an evil person for having these dreams.

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