Last night was punctured with bad dreams. S&M. Bondage. Torture. I'd wake up for a couple of minutes and it was like I'd forgotten how to breathe. The waking never lasted long, though, and almost instantly it was back into the dreams.
I woke up this morning and felt sick. Ashamed. Guilty.
I hate who I am. I hate what I've done. Betrayed by my own body. Betrayed by false promises. Betrayed by so called friends.
Inbetween the body memories the self-loathing is so intense.
I remember. I dissociate. I go numb. I don't want to feel. I can't feel.
On the outside everything is fine.
I don't drink.
I don't self-harm.
I talk. I laugh. I engage. I keep busy.
On the inside I am rotten. Ugly. Disgusting.
I will never forgive myself.
I will never forget.