Thursday, 31 March 2011

Only guilty people need to worry about looking innocent

I don't really know where to start... A few days ago, an old friend got in touch with me to tell me that the man who raped me has a wife and child who are under investigation with social services. Well, the friend doesn't exactly know what happened, but knows that we have 'a history', and for all he knows he's just passing on the latest gossip, it's not a big deal, it's just news.

I don't know what to do. I feel like if anything ever happened to the child then it's my fault, but it's also my fault that his Dad is the way he is in the first place, he never hurt anyone before me, he never had a drinking problem before me, it must be something about me that changed him. I don't believe that he's a bad person and I don't have the right to judge whether he's a bad father. It was a long time ago and it's not as if I was a kid when it happened, I was 17 and he was only in his early 20's, that's not really the same as someone hurting a child.

Even if I wanted to do something, I don't have any proof, it's just my word and that doesn't count for much. There are so many times that I don't even believe myself, how can I expect anyone else too? There are genuine victimes out there and if I said anything officially I'd just be spitting in their faces. I don't want to be the girl that cried rape. It's not as if anyone can go back in time and see the whole thing from both sides, and there are always two sides, why should anyone believe mine, why should I?

If anything happened to that child I will never forgive myself, but neither do I have the right to speak out. I don't have a strong story or evidence or proof or any of the things that matter in reality. I can't just ring someone up and tell them everything and expect them to believe me, or to leave me alone afterwards. It won't be just one phone call, it won't be just one person, and he'll know if I spoke to anyone because who else would have? He'd just tell them that I was lying and it wouldn't achieve anything, "he said, she said", it never means anything, it never proves anything, and his family is destroyed for no reason other than me. He'll pass the assesment, convince them in the same way he convinced everyone that I was lying slut, and who's to say that he's wrong and I'm right?

I still believe that he has the right to get on with his life, that I should just keep quiet and stop making up awful things to make him look bad and myself look better.

I was getting my life back together and it's just fallen apart again.

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