Monday, 26 April 2010

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

"Dreaming, dreaming of how it's supposed to be
But this tunic's spinning around my arms and knees
I feel like I'm disappearing, getting smaller every day
But when I open my mouth to sing I'm bigger in every way."
- 'Tunic (Song for Karen)' by Sonic Youth

For the first time in years I cried over something I've eaten. Actually, full-on, sobbing, running to the bathroom and getting everything ready to throw up before slapping myself around the face (metaphorically) about being so bloody stupid!

I have cried binging to throw up, I have cried after binging and not throwing up and I have cried when clothes haven't fitted or when I've gained weight but it has been long time since I have cried whilst eating something perfectly acceptable and 'normal'.

I am not that person anymore. I am not. I am not a seven stone kid who gets weighed and poked and prodded and needles stuck into every other day. I am not a 'client' on a psyche ward or EDU. I am nearly twenty fucking three and a student and a writer and I care about things over than weighing under a hundred pounds and being the skinniest girl in the street. I believe in things. I have friends who I am able to love and appreciate and not be a bitch to. I go out and get drunk and fall into and out of bed and do exciting, alive things rather than waiting around to die things. I eat and I drink like a 'normal person'. I don't buy my clothes from the kiddies section or else borrow my eleven year old nieces.

I am not someone who cries and gets hysterical over a bowl of fucking cereal.

"Vile deeds like poison weeds bloom well in prison air, it is only what is good in man, that wastes and withers there." - Oscar Wilde

"This is the biggest mistake I could think would save me. I wanted to give up the idea I had any control. Shake things up. To be saved by chaos. To see if I could cope, I wanted to force myself to grow again. To explode my comfort zone." - Chuck Palahniuk

"Just like any woman,...we weave our stories out of our bodies. Some of us through our children, or our art; some do it just by living. It's all the same." - Francesca Lia Block

"This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that "letting yourself go" could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes...There is, in the end, the letting go." - Mayra Hornbacher

"And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn't dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say oh geez, I didn't know. It's okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks. Whatever you need to do to feel like a normal human being, you do it. And boy I did it. I drank and I snorted. I drank and snorted. I drank and snorted. And I did this day after day, day after day, night after night. I didn't care about the consequences because I knew they couldn't be half as bad as not using. And then one night something happened. I woke up. I woke up on a sidewalk and I had no idea where I was. I couldn't have told you what city I was in. And my head was pounding and I looked down and my shirt is covered in blood. And as I'm lying there wondering what happens next I heard a voice. And it said man, this is not a way to live. This is a way to die." - 28 Days

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