Wednesday, 10 February 2010

The times they are a' changing

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall"
- Confucius

Uni is going well, at least Creative Writing is! Lit is not doing so well, not just grades wise but motivationally it's a bit of a struggle. I want to change to language but not sure how to go about it.

I'm doing well, better than I have in a long fucking time! At the minute it just feels okay to be and not overthink or overfeel all the time... I think for a while back there I was trying too hard to be better and to do it perfectly and it really wasn't the best way to go about it. I think because the people I was involved with before put so much hype on the fact that uni would change me, I felt like it had to be an instant, blindingly obvious shift and it really hasn't been like that. Yes, I have got better, but when you get hung up about all the details and all the things that are going wrong it really doesn't feel like you're improving at all when really you've come a long fucking way. I've stopped wanting to do this recovery thing perfectly and instantly and started just wanting to let go gradually instead and it’s definitely stopped me feeling like complete shit for having a bad day, which of course means that the bad days are easier to contain and control just to ‘a bad day’ rather than the guilt driving me to fuck up completely. That’s something that I’ve really not ever felt before and I wish I could pinpoint exactly how it’s happened but I really can’t.

It is true what they told me, even though I never believed it, that getting a life outside of being sick would be the only way to really make positive changes. I know some people probably think that you should wait until you’re ‘properly well’ to get on with things but really... I don’t think that’s the case for me. That wouldn’t have worked because having no life fuelled my destructive thoughts and behaviours and even though sometimes they are still there, but at least now I have something ELSE as well.

I think accepting that I couldn’t change the last however many years or make everything go away just by not doing it anymore was the big thing that helped. I sort of stopped resenting the fact that I’d been ill, or needed professional help, or medication and that stopped a huge amount of crap feelings.

I know it would be foolish to think that all the negative stuff isn't going to ever be a part of my life again, I have been sick for way too long and just not being ever again is an impossibility and even in the 'now' it's also a huge identity shift that takes some getting used to. To anyone on the outside it is apparent that the identity you had before, 'the sick person' is unfavourable to the 'okay' person. It is not always that obvious for you though and it definitely isn't that obvious to me.

For the first time in my life though I feel validated as a writer, not as an anorexic or a psychiatric exhibit.

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