Saturday, 4 December 2010

There are no innocents

"Normally seven minutes of another person's company was enough to give her a headache so she set things up to live as a recluse. She was perfectly content as long as people left her in peace. Unfortunately society was not very smart or understanding."
- 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo', Stieg Larrson

I went to the psychiatrist on Thursday and told her about everything, she is surprisingly easy to talk to and be honest with, I don’t know whether it’s my own attitude towards her or just the way she is but with some people I just get a positive vibe and some I get a really negative one… Like with Carol I absolutely could not stand her because I didn’t feel like she was ‘on my side’, I can’t get on with DBT people for a similar reason, but with my psych I feel like we’re aiming for the same results, and I get a good vibe and find that she comes across as genuinely giving a shit (the fact that she gave me her phone number, or that she will always fit me in at the end of her clinic if I really need to see her whereas DBT and Carol (who got suspended so it definitely wasn’t just me who found her a waste of space…) I just feel like they’re constantly fighting me rather than trying to help me, and I have never even considered talking to them about the rape thing because I know that they couldn’t care less about anything I’ve gone through, they just care about making me not self-harm, they don’t realise that it’s something more than the behaviour… I guess that’s why the ‘B’ in DBT stands for behavioural - but fuck it, I haven’t been in a few weeks and I feel better because of it, and I don’t really cared if I sound like a textbook example of BPD, because surely when you feel like absolute shit and are just trying to stay alive, you don’t want to be dealing with people who just make you feel worse, no matter how much other people might tell you it’s for the best. Also, they seem to think that it’s the answer to everything that’s wrong in my life, when I genuinely don’t think it is, but anyways, that’s a bit off-topic, sorry, I tend to get carried away with myself whenever I bring the subject up!

So yeah, Dr S, I like her a lot and can talk to her about stuff, because she knows about everything and is the one that go me into the rape crisis centre, and she has said that if I wanted to use her to talk about things then she would do that, but that she also thinks that its good to have the two things separate and to use the people at the centre because they can meet me once a week and do practical support stuff that’s specific like dealing with flashbacks, and I can also get long-term counselling there if I want to, but I’m just going to do the support sessions first and see what it’s like because just doing that feels terrifying enough right now, and that she’ll deal with the medication side of things. She increased the Mirtazapine which I’m a bit apprehensive about because I don’t want my appetite to increase but I guess right now feeling better is more important than what I eat or weight, and I guess that is has always been more important, I was just too fucking stubborn to realise it and to let go of the eating disorder. I feel so completely free of it right now, not spending the whole time thinking of weight or food, and I guess that’s been a ‘positive’ aspect of feeling so depressed, and I’ll be honest that I’m kind of scared that when I feel better again and back to normal, I will start to care about what I weigh and I know that I have gained A LOT of weight over the last six months, over 40lbs and that was from a high end of healthy BMI so I’m technically obese (193lbs at 5”4) and I do worry that it’s become like a safety blanket to me, feeling all safe and protected in this ‘fat suit’, because I really can’t stand the idea of looking remotely attractive right now… And a little part of me feels like I’m in denial over my weight gain and pretending that I’m living in complete freedom, eating as much as I like, pigging out, when really I think I’ve been doing it for comfort. The comfort that I used to find in losing weight I seem to have found in being overweight. It doesn’t make any sense but then I guess disordered body image is disordered, no matter which way it swings. Anyway, gone off on a tangent again…

I like having it separate but working together at the same time, because I do feel that there are some parts of my mental health problems that aren’t solely down to trauma, but I also realise that they both have a knock on effect to each other (which, if you’d asked me a year ago, or even six months ago I would NEVER had admitted, so I guess that’s kind of a good thing…)

I’ve emailed my therapist to explain how things are and why I haven’t managed to make it to see her for the last month and asked her if it would be okay if she would keep a space open for me when I was feeling a little bit better about things and like I would actually be able to use her to talk things through because right now I just don’t feel like I can use her like that so I kind of feel like I’m wasting her time by keeping letting her down. She‘s been really great and understanding, I’ve got on with her since the first time she opened the door to me, I just knew that she was going to be good for me, so I really don’t want to not utilise her time, and she said that it was fine to leave it for awhile and that as soon as I wanted to see her again I just had to send her an email, which is something that I will most definitely do because of how good I found her before this thing got its teeth into me.

I got into a bit of a state earlier because I got a letter from uni saying that I had to pay back all of the student loan I’d had this term in 14 days, which there is no way I can because I just don’t have the money because my benefits haven’t come through yet.

It’s really knocked me off my feet, I got all ridiculous and suicidal just because I thought it would be the best way out. I know that it’s a stupid but right just normal, day to day life is hard enough, so when something ‘dramatic’ happens my brain reacts in a ‘dramatic’ way, daydreaming about just ending everything so I don’t have to deal with it. I hate how suicide has become this twisted daydream, I know that I’m not seeing it clearly for what it is, and I know that it’s terrible and everything, but the words ‘suicidal ideation’ feel so fucking true for me right now, the ideation part, because I’m building it up into some kind of far off fantasy, imagining all the different ways I could do it, and it’s become kind of fantastical, like a bedtime story, or a comfort blanket, that I cling to when I feel like I can’t cope with life anymore. Does that mean I’m not actually suicidal? Does that mean that I’m faking everything? Does it make me an attention-seeking idiot? Because it’s a fantasy not a reality…

This whole business has put me off ever going back to uni, which is a bad thing I know, but I don't think I could stand going through all this again because I tried so hard to get back into education, all the way through the ED it was what I wanted more than anything , the reason why I started to get well. But now it’s all uncertain and I already feel like it’s ran away from me. It was hard enough to get it back once. I don’t think I could do it again.

I don't even want to admit it but the last few nights.... it's been weird. It's like I'm tied up in rope, I can feel and see it, and when I look down there are all these... Holes? In the room. And neon thread wrapped around me, and when I go to touch it it's not there. The first time I thought that I was just overtired so ignored it. It's like part of my nightmares have come alive and climbed out of me... although I know that's not possible, but still... I'm also angry so much of the time, sometimes it's real fucking effort not to lash out, I feel like I constantly wanting to punch someone or something. There are certain people especially in my life right now who I want to scream at, tell them to fuck off, shout and rage... I hate this part of things. It genuinely terrifies me. Ever since I read/watched the Millenium trilogy I've been filled with images and fantasies of violent revenge. I have such a deep hatred towards the people that have hurt me, even if they were only really kids themselves at the time, even for the people that have protected them and stood by them, family members and friends that just point blank refuse the see that the person they love so much could be a maniuplative, alchoholic rapist. I hate the world and everybody in it so much right now. No-one and nowhere is safe. Everything's a threat. Everyone's a suspect.

1 comment:

  1. I have mixed views on DBT. I think a lot of it makes practical sense, but in theory, as with all therapies, in practice it is very different. The one thing I do know, is that as much as recovery is about us, it also has a huge impact on finding the "right" therapist. Whether that is a psychiatrist (in my case it was) or a GP, or charity supporter... it doesn't matter. It is who we connect with. That, in all truth, is what a lot of therapies miss out on. The psychotherapeutic approach focuses on the therapeutic relationship and I guess in that case, works, a lot of the time. especially if you gel. I hope things get better Emma. You deserve for them to xxxx