Thursday, 30 December 2010

This be the verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

- This Be The Verse - Phillip Larkin

It feels like all kinds of wrong that I would rather be here alone for NYE than stick it out for another minute at home.

Okay, I should be truthful, I don't especially care that much about NYE. The friends that I usually go out with for drinks and such like all work the holidays, and now I don't even drink so friends - drink + a hopeless family = sitting in the dark on your own watching sci-fi, just to get further away from reality.

My parents are so fucking.... Well, hopeless, I guess, and it's a terrible thing to say but I'm certain that if I spend much more time around them I am going to end up hating them and getting to a point where we can't salvage anything of out relationship. Either they don't realise what the Hell they're saying or they're intentionally fucking cruel.

After all they crap they said yesterday, about being attention seeking/delibrately out to shock to people, I told them that I was go back to uni, to which they answered whether or not that meant I was going back to the gym because 'you could do with losing weight', I don't care that that's actually true, that I really have piled on weight in the last six months and could do with shifting some, and maybe it's hypocritical of me to say those things myself and to myself and expect other people to be different but as far as I'm concerned it's an invisible line that my own parents have crossed. To think that it's perfectly acceptable to say things like that to me. TO ME. When they know all about my anorexic past and this time five years ago they were coming to see me in hospital because of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people walking on eggshells around me, being ultra sensitive, I just think that there are some thing you shouldn't say, and you're fat or lose weight is pretty much above and beyond the top of my list.

1 comment: