Sunday, 2 January 2011

It is often hard to bear the tears that we ourselves have caused

k "What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

I feel further away from my anorexia, more recovered, than ever... But I'm still looking over my fucking shoulder, I still get upset about it, I still want someone to tell me what to eat and when to eat and to keep me in check. It's been nearly five years since I left hospital, that's playing on my mind a lot, because if I'd done things right, if I'd been okay since then, I would still weigh more or less the same right now, and I don't, I weigh a Hell of a lot more, not a few lbs more but five fucking stone more. And I know medication is partly to blame, but a lot of it is me still seeking and finding comfort in food, feeling safe in my own body because I've made it so fat and disgusting. And a part of me is still so fucked up enough to believe that I only have two choices, to overeat or to undereat, and that if I eat more than what feels like an okay amount I can't cope and have to eat everything in sight. My whole life has been split in two, eating too much or eating too little.

I want desperately to be 'normal' but I don't think I ever will be. I want that third option, that middle ground, but it's so unatainable, I try and I try and I try but I can never stick to it, I always end floating off to the sides. I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't the fat girl or the thin girl, if I didn't eat everything or virtually nothing, if I just ate like everybody else.

I hate New Year, everyone makes plans to diet, to lose weight, to join the gym, and I don't even know what mine are. I want to get my weight out of the obese range, then out of the overweight range... I want to devote my entire time and life to it but I can't and I won't let it dictate to me like that again. But it's so hard and draining keeping yourself in check all.the.time. Which is probably why I haven't done much about it yet. Because it's such hard work to constantly analyse what you're eating and why you're eating it and is it enough or too much... It's like my head is going to explode.


  1. I have to keep myself in check all the time.
    Not ED wise as I left that behind a long time ago.
    But self wise, mood wise, manic wise, and a million other ways.
    But you can attain this.
    You can be "normal."
    It does exist.

    It means sorting out the head and the behaviours at the same time.
    One cannot exist without the other.
    Engaging in therapy is a must, in what ever type of way that is.
    This can get better Em.
    It can xxxx

  2. "I hate New Year, everyone makes plans to diet, to lose weight, to join the gym, and I don't even know what mine are."

    My resolution is to stop weighing myself. I've put the scale up in the loft, burying it behind mounds of junk, and it would take a lot of effort to get it out again. I'm feeling very vulnerable, disturbed, and angry without it, but if I think about it logically I felt vulnerable, disturbed, and angry when I was weighing myself multiple times a day. Scales are no security.

    I think that if I can manage to get through this initial horrible period, I might break free of the number tyranny at last. Why not give it a try?