Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Let Down

“How often my fear and ambivalence are rooted in what somebody else may think. But I need not present my actions, my words, myself for somebody else's approval. And basing my decisions on somebody else's approval or making my own approval contingent on somebody else's only postpones what I really want.”
- Jan Denise

I really don't know what to do. I thought that things were getting better and that people were listening to me but apparantly I as wrong about that.

The CPN/CMHT that I have just got involved with in Leicester talked to my care-co back home who basically told them that I'd said I wanted to complete DBT and that I was entitled to any support over here because of that. I am beyond pissed off. I've never, ever cried in front of a professional before... The last time I saw my care-co she said that it was possible to only get help in one place but that it was ultimately upto me which place I decided to go with. Then they all have a nice little chat behind my back, blatantly lie and say that I'd chosen DBT and now it's like.... Nothing. I'm not going to have any support for over a month and the only support it looks like I will get is occupational stuff, which is okay, but how are you meant to do that without some help. I've spent the last couple of weeks weighing up my options and eventually deciding that I wanted to drop DBT and move over to here but now that choice has been made for me, or atleast now that if I say something else it's going to look like I'm changing my mind all the time, when I never even made it (or atleast told them) what I wanted to do in the first place.

Also, the CPN here is pretty much telling me to 'sort my life out' and decide what to do over university and that I need life goals and ambition which is all very well and good but I don't feel like I'm quite in that frame of mind right now. I also have huge problems with life goals because I don't know what I want, I never really had any idea growing up and I still don't, but being told all this stuff and being overwhelmed by it has really set me back by a huge amount. I was starting to feel better and feeling that things were sortng themselves out but I feel like I've been left to do it all by myself, and to be honest I want to completely cut lose from everything and everyone because I just can't take the constant disappointment, especially as time I really thought things were going to be okay.

This is the fucking BPD crap all over again, the 'you just have a bad attitude' crap, try harder crap, pull yourself together crap, you're not worth our time crap.

They just don't seem to get how fucking hard it is for me to have all these connections to people back home, how I don't want to go home every fucking week to just end up feeling a million times worse. I hate everything about it. I hate the professionals. I hate the attitude I'm treated with. And now it's like it's infected things over here and I just can't bear it. I want to rage at people but all I do is cry pathetically and fail to assert myself.

I don't expect a magic wand, but I did expect to be able to make that choice for myself and not have someone jump in and do it for me.

No-one listens to me. No-one sees me. I'm not even a person to them just this fucked up personality disorder. I completely understand why so many people who get treated like this kill themselves. That's not a suicidal threat, I have no intention of killing myself and if I did it would not be a reaction to people dicking me around. It's just such a kick in the teeth to be told one thing and then something else happening. Or to agonise over a desicion only to have it taken away from you. It just seems to happen again and again and again.

What I am scared of is completely losing control of my anger or losing my voice. I don't know which would be worse. I don't want to be the kind of person that sits back and takes shit that they don't deserve. The problem is I don't trust myself and easily convince myself that I do deserve to be fucked around and not helped/supported and I just know that, ultimately, my voice isn't worth anything anyway.

Maybe I would be better off without any of them, maybe it's just not worth the constant struggle to be heard...

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