Wednesday, 12 January 2011


"This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free."
- The Clash
The latest chapter to the on-going saga that is dialectal bloody behavioural therapy...

Okay, so, basically I was on the waiting list for DBT (at home) for quite a long time so by the time I got a place I had started uni, my old care-co and consultant made a sort of two place care plan so that I could access a psychiatrist/support at Leicester.

Now I have a new care-co (because the old one got suspended) is saying that I can’t get help from two different mental health teams, and that if I continue to access more support/CMHT in Leicester, I will lose access to the services back home, which include DBT. If I get this CMHT support here, then I have to choose between that and DBT/home services.

I am actually pretty riled that they’ve gone back on something that was agreed before I came to uni. I know that I have no understanding into the intricate workings of the NHS, whether this is about funding or lack of people. But I genuinely feel like they’ve pulled some kind of stunt on me, after a year of it being okay, just to get a reaction. When I was so ill at the end of last year I couldn’t make it back home for DBT they really piled on the pressure and didn’t understand the fact that you can be so ill you can’t get out... Eventually I was pushed so far I literally broke down in tears, after saying I did want to continue but was finding the getting there difficult, and them insisting that it wasn’t a ‘good enough excuse’. They pushed me to that place and I made that commitment to try to attend every session, even if it meant spending more time at home which they know I find difficult, and now a short few weeks later they’ve changed their tune and it’s a bit like jumping through hoops just to get kicked in the teeth. I know that sounds completely melodramatic and that I haven’t done a great job at articulating it but...

I really like my psychiatrist here at Leicester, I feel like I’ve built up a good relationship with her, she was the first professional I ever told about the post-trauma struggles and I definitely feel listened to and ‘understood’ which I know sounds pathetic but it really does make a difference to me. I have the rape crisis support/counselling set up here, although admittedly I’ve only been twice, but it’s something that I feel if I drop now it will be impossibly difficult to take up again, I’d rather have it there already, if that makes sense. I should hear back from the CMHT assessment the start of next week to see what they can offer and if they want to take me on. Everything just feels.... easier here. I feel in control of my own mental health because I’m dealing with it, instead of passing the buck to my parents and having them take control, and that’s something that I really don’t want to give up, it’s hard being independent but for me it’s definitely worthwhile and generally makes me feel better about myself. I also have huge issues with the services back home, I feel that they treated me appallingly over the summer, pushed the relationship with my parents to breaking point, Carol obviously got suspended for malpractice (although I was not the one that filed a complaint, I had pretty much exactly the same relationship/problem with her as the person that did complain had had) it’s like the trust has completely gone and I just don’t want anything more to do with them.

If it comes down to it I will have to pick Leicester, because it’s easier and I go away from appointments feeling better rather than a piece of shit, but I really genuinely do want to complete DBT, for the same reasons you said, I don’t want to quit after all this time and effort has been invested into it, I feel like if I couldn’t carry on then I would have that niggling feeling that I’d not done something right... Obviously there are the implications on paper, but if fully transfer my care to Leicester they will know the reasons why I had to give up and it would be really unfair of them to hold it against me.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do except keep my cool and try like Hell to not be reactive and out of control when it comes to dealing with them again.

Leicester wins hands down, but as much as I’ve bitched about DBT I really don’t want to leave it as a job unfinished or turn into another ‘failure’. I just really don’t understand why they can’t see things from my point of view. Obviously I need the most help and support where I am living (Leicester) but I’ve started something and I feel like it’s a bit of a bitch to not be able to complete it.

1 comment:

  1. Hummm, that catch with DBT is a tough one.
    Amanda struggles with the same thing.
    Not all of it has suited her and there have had to be flexibilities with it or she couldn't continue.
    So because she was willing, she worked and the team worked with her.
    And yet, she questioned getting a different and private therapist, but felt if she pulled out of DBT she had "failed."
    I don't like that trap.
    That said because of their willingness to adjust the work a little, she has moved mountains.
    My feel, is you go with the uni support.
    It seems more suited and if you cannot engage with the DBt that is NOT your fault.
    They offered you this and to be honest, they shouldn't be able to go back on that.
    I hope it works out Em.
    I really do xxxx