Monday, 24 January 2011

I'm upset and pissed off and stressed out of my head, completely overwhelmed by everything to do wih the future, I am not in the right frame of mind to make good choices, to do the right thing, to seriously consider my future, yet life is fucking relentless and deaf to such protests. Uni told me that I wouldn't have to let them know what I wanted to do about next year until April but I got a letter saying that they needed to know by the end of this week. And I don't know what to do or what I want or the fucking point in anything.

It's had a massive fucking impact on my mental health, which ironically was starting to improve a little because I didn't have all this fucking stress. I had the most awful, fucked up flashback a couple of nights ago, I won't go in detail because it was just.... Horrific. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to get up. I don't want to talk to anyone. I haven't cut in a few weeks and it's suddenly all I can think about again. I can't fucking breath from the dead weight on my chest...

Maybe it's got nothing to do with the future... Maybe it's because I found out that he's engaged and planning to have a baby and I am just so angry and resentful. I must have been the one to do something wrong because I'm the one that's been left in a state and he gets babies and weddings and love... I've always been terrified that one day it won't be enough for me to just sit back and watch his life grow into something wonderful, that one day I will snap and hunt him down and burn his life to ashes. I don't want to be angry. I want to be passed it. In every conceivable fucking way I WANT TO BE PASSED IT. I don't want it to hurt anymore. I don't want it to bleed into my sleep anymore. I just want to forget the whole thing but now that's impossible, with my psychiatrist knowing and rape crisis/counselling and everything, I have to fucking face up to things. I genuinely did want to do that, I sill do mostly, I am just so fucking exhausted.

1 comment:

  1. Emma, I hate things are just so hard and so conflicting for you.
    I don't know what contact you have with him, but maybe you need to cut any ties so you actually have no part or information into what he is doing.

    I know the world, life, you, can feel overwhelming.
    That I get I really do.

    But yo

    u have today, and that is all you can have.
    Just try to breath, step back, and think about the short term and how to get through the day, even week.

    We cannot always make the choices we wish we could.
    Sometimes all we can do is the make the choices we are able to carry out now.

    You have many years ahead of you and all you life choices don't need to be made now.

    Just focus on you, being safe and well and you will get through this xxxx