Sunday, 30 January 2011
I've not really mentioned this before but I've been 'actively working' on recovery for self-harm. By that I mean, I do genuinely want to stop, willing to agree with what DBT bang on about 'how dangerous it is' and to accept that I'm primarily in this therpy to reduce self-harming behavious, or atleast that is the goal as far as I understand it. To be honest I had given up the idea that I would go for a long period of time without self-harming because to my mind I had already 'failed at recovery' and relapsed after long periods of time of not doing it at all, the last of these periods had been over three years and I genuinely thought that it would be something I never did again.
Since Spring 2008 I've not really thrown myself into 'sobriety' because I of the fear that it was a part of me that I would never lose 'forever' and between that time and recent months the extent and severity got dangerous and out of control.
It's been nearly a month since I last SI'ed...
I'm completely fine and untriggered until I read/hear about other people's self-harm. I want to reply and help people but I just can't deal with the feelings I get when I hear of people getting x amount of stitches or any of that crap. I know deep down that it doesn't mean anything, it means fuck all the amount of physical damage, and I know that I've come within milimetres of losing the use of my arm and had some seriously close calls, but I just feel like my struggles are pathetic and 'superficial' compared to everybody else's. I hate having that feeling, I despise myself for it, and then I get urges.
Avoiding it works, but it doesn't work all the time and if I'm going to seriously recover I need to learn to live with the fact that other people are still going to be self-harming.
I did it with anorexia, I very rarely feel jealous or triggered when I hear of the extent of other people's eating disorder, mostly I feel sad for them and for the girl I used to be.
I know that it's possible to get past this. I know that it gets easier with time.
I just hate the loathing that I feel after making all of these compaisons because what does it matter? What does it prove?
Nothing at all.
So why do I do it in the first place...