Thursday, 20 January 2011

I came here to drink milk and kick ass... and I've just finished my milk.

"Some people swallow the universe like a pil; they travel on through the world, like smiling images pushed from behind."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Okay, I've had a couple of days to process what happened the meeting, or more accurately why I walked out as an emotional wreck.
To be honest I think I was actually more upset and angry about the whole life goals and bangering me about what I'm going to do in Oct in regards to uni. I just got overwhelmed y'know, because I've only just started to feel better and now my head feels overcrowded with information and decsions that I don't feel strong enough to make, or that I'm in a good frame of mind to make good choices. I know that even if I commit to something right now I can change my mind later... It's just too much, too soon, and ever since I've taken time out I've been really insecure about what I want from it and where my life is going, so when someone tells you to stop drifting and makes choices it just makes me feel a Hell of a lot worse, because I know that I'm drifting and I don't like it, and I would never have took time out from university if I didn't really, really need it because going to uni was what I really wanted from life ever since the ED stopped me from going when I was eighteen. I guess a part of it is not having that drive anymore, because my ED doesn't stop me from doing anything, and it's hard to have the same goals as I did back then even if they're positive.
I know that I can sort the other stuff out and be blunt with them when I need to be because it's what I've always had to do, it's never been easy. The thing I don't like is being lied about and being told that I'd said something when I didn't. I know that's a bit over the top because let's face it, in the mental health game it's inevitable that people are going to talk about you when you're not there and I guess I should be used to it by now but it's still something that I hate. It just makes me out to be a liar, and then I think people will think I'm manipulating them, and it's the whole BPD headfuck that I just can't cope with. The main problem is I've read too much about it, and most of it has made me seriously hate myself, and I think it's that that makes me angry and fustrated because I don't feel like I deserve to have some of the conotations that are associated with it. I think I have such a problem dealing with the negatative comments/articles/etc is that because when I'm 'well' I am independent and adventerous and socialable and passionate and have a real, genuine love of life, and I want people to see me as that and that I have a good personality and I'm a good, decent person rather than a fucked up, terrible one. Personality is such a huge thing, and to go around thinking that you have a 'bad personality' is a really unpleasent experiance. I *know* that it is a mental health disorder, I *know* that a lot of bad shit is written by people that don't have a clue what it's like, but despite that I still get incredibly upset thinking that there is something fundamentally 'broken' with who I am.
I'm over it now, chilled out a bit and tried not to worry about it so much, but at the time everything is so fucking INTENSE, everything feels like the worst possible feeling in the world and I react to it in a way that I know isn't healthy. But at the same time, I know that there are times when all that stuff would have lead to self-harming, and if I'm not doing that then things do tend to overspil a bit (okay, a lot)so whilst at the time it is genuinely awful, if I cope with it by ranting and raving instead of cutting, then that's enough and overall makes me feel better about myself and more 'healthy' and competant. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfectly healthy and rational, but I do realise that I'm much better at coping with stuff that I used to be, even if at the time I feel like I can't.
I feel kind of guilty that I rang up and cancelled rape counselling, now it will be ten times harder to go back, I guess I have to though, in the end. I was so exhausted after Tuesday that I just didn't want to get up at all, let alone go outside. It's stupid though because I know deep down that cancelling one weeks leads to another and another and another... I give up too easiy. Although I don't really see myself as giving up. I guess I just didn't want another (emotionally) rough day. Next week I will have no excuses not to go and I WILL go and maybe not lie about why I didn't go yesterday. Well, I don't lie exactly, but I do tend to use my migraine attacks as a cover story for not something that I feel anxious about or uncomfortable with. 'Oh, sorry, I can't go out with you right now because my brain is exploding'

It's bad and I will stop doing it at some point. Or atleast, start attending everything I should so I don't need an excuse in the first place. Novel idea, that, girl, why didn't you think of it before?

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