Monday, 11 April 2011

I cannot leave here. I cannot stay. Forever haunted. More than afraid

I've blocked everyone connected to him for Facebook and disabled all my old email accounts so I can't keep torturing myself and obbsessing over it. I did re-read the email he sent me and it really upset me a lot to hear him say 'the past is the past as you have to move on', it really cuts like a knive in my throat y'know, and I hate myself for getting upset about it because it's not worth it really. I had a really strong urge to get back in touch just one more time and ask all the questions that keep me up at night, to know once and for all what really happened, but I know that it's pointless because he either won't remember, or will lie about it. I guess I just have to settle for what I know and believe, how it still hurts and affects me, and move on from that. For counselling I need to make a plan of where I am now, where I want to be and how I can get there. I'm so desperate for it all to be over, to not have to think about it, I get so angry at myself for letting it bother me.

This time of year is so difficult.

The world around me seems unreal and alien, like a mist has descended and everything looks hazy and dreamlike; only I’m awake so I can’t be dreaming. But am I awake? I don't know. I freak out. I just can't shake the thought that I'm living in a dream, or a movie, that's going to end at any moment, or never end. I just can't explain it.


  1. It will bother you, and allow yourself to be bothered.
    Because it needs feeling.
    I am sorry this is so hard angel {{{hugs}}}
    I had to do something similar (hence the name) with regards to the past.
    Try to keep fighting, hey xxxx

  2. Oh, you're, brilliant.

    You have strength to be jealous of, I know you have it. Be one with yourself and you will see.

    This is something I feel great empathy for, I've been there. I advise you, like Sia, to let it bother you. Don't let it beat you down.

    Spit in its face and keep swimmin', keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'.