I've blocked everyone connected to him for Facebook and disabled all my old email accounts so I can't keep torturing myself and obbsessing over it. I did re-read the email he sent me and it really upset me a lot to hear him say 'the past is the past as you have to move on', it really cuts like a knive in my throat y'know, and I hate myself for getting upset about it because it's not worth it really. I had a really strong urge to get back in touch just one more time and ask all the questions that keep me up at night, to know once and for all what really happened, but I know that it's pointless because he either won't remember, or will lie about it. I guess I just have to settle for what I know and believe, how it still hurts and affects me, and move on from that. For counselling I need to make a plan of where I am now, where I want to be and how I can get there. I'm so desperate for it all to be over, to not have to think about it, I get so angry at myself for letting it bother me.
This time of year is so difficult.
The world around me seems unreal and alien, like a mist has descended and everything looks hazy and dreamlike; only I’m awake so I can’t be dreaming. But am I awake? I don't know. I freak out. I just can't shake the thought that I'm living in a dream, or a movie, that's going to end at any moment, or never end. I just can't explain it.