Thursday, 21 April 2011

A phantom to lead you in the summer

I don't know what's going on with me at the minute.

Things are pretty good in so many ways. I haven't self-harmed in months, I haven't drank to excess or self-medicated in even longer, probably over six months. I have a couple of pints occasionally when I'm out but I never drink on my own either out or indoors, I never do it more than twice a month (I actually keep pretty strict lists of dates...) and I don't get stupidly drunk. My mood is stable and generally upbeat. My impulse control is good, I work out the consequences of everything before I do it, even if I end up buying something or doing something 'impulsive' it isn't actually because I've take a couple of hours or days to figure it out. Yes, I still do the touring thing, I still can't help mysef from going to 'just one more show' but you know what, this is who I am and what I do, fundamentally. I love going to gigs. I love going to see the ame gig x amout of times. I love travelling from city to city. I love meeting fellow fans. I love music and I love touring. I don't want to change or moderate or reduce that part of my life.

I also never for a second thought that I'd be as far away from anorexia as I am today. That I would have days and weeks where I didn't think twice about what I was eating. That being overweight would be bearable. That I would appreciate and be grateful of the fact that I got put in hospital and force fed. That I would want to be better. That I would want to be alive and fat rather than thin and dead.

Underneath all those behaviours though there's some pretty awful feelings left over.

I am incredibly anxious pretty much all of the time and (because of that I'm assuming) dissociation is becoming more of an issue, mainly derealisation and feeling like I'm in a dream or a movie or that a part of my body isn't connected. It sounds pathetic but it feels fucking awful and I don't really have any way of predicting how or when or where. In trying to cope with it I've become obsessive-compulsive, counting and checking and repeating words in my head and the worst thing about is that as much as it just increases the anxiety, I can't quite convince myself that I should just stop, I'm too convinced that something even worst will happen if I don't complete the little rituals or stick to the rules.

The summer is always so awful and painful and blah and the thought of trying to deal with it with no behaviours to help soften it is pretty fucking terrifying. I am determinded not to go back and move on but how can I do that when my head is flooded with memories and images and thoughts....

I know that I'm in counselling and I know that talking about it is really the only way to move on, I 100% understand and accept that, but sometimes I don't feel like I have that time, I want to feel better NOW.

1 comment:

  1. Breath baby doll and know I am walking this with you xxxx