Friday, 24 February 2012

This too shall pass

I feel bad that I haven't done anything for EDAW 2012. It kind of crept up on me what with being in the hospital and my headspace being a bit fucked. Just know that I haven't forgotted about it or that I can't be bothered. Know that it's possible to recover. Know that an eating disorder will never allow you to find peace with your body or soul. Know that you're not alone. Know that 'this too shall pass'.

I've been in recovery from anorexia for nearly three years. I go through periods where I don't struggle at all, where my behaviours and thoughts are normal, and I feel like I would never relapse, and then I go through periods where I feel vulnerable and it's all I can think about and sometimes the behaviours come back. The difference now is that I can stop a bad day from turning into a bad week. I can pull myself out of it before it gets to that point. I know my eating disorder really well and I know how and when it can sneak up on me, so I can prepare myself for the rough times. I still have to watch myself, though, and keep myself in check. There are things that I can't do, like diet or exercise, and I'm only just starting to realise that and accept it.

I continue to struggle with binging and purging, and I remain at an 'obese' weight because I haven't yet worked out a way to lose the weight and stay healthy. If that means that for now I have to 'settle' at being 'fat' then so be it. I am trying to live with that.

My eating disorder is something that I will fight for the rest of my life, definately, and sometimes it's something that I have to fight on a daily basis, but sometimes it's not and I try to hold onto those times.

Ward round went well. I'm still struggling with who the psychiatrist is and how it connects to my anorexia and thoughts and how I used to be, but it's not unbearable and I think I'm dealing with it as best as I can. I'm on leave again until Wednesday and then the week after hopefully looking at being completely discharged. My new CPN was there and she seems really nice, she's going to come and see me on Tuesday. Obviously, it's too early to say anything but first impressions were good.

Today is a month since I drank bleach and I haven't self-injured/poisoned since then. I haven't drank since then, either.

Despite the memories and non-memories she brings up, and the fact that she tried to section me back when I was seriously starving myself, and that I ended up in the EDU for three months, I've actually started to like and respect her and I kind of wish she could be my community psych but she only does inpatient.

I couldn't talk about the anxiety I'm going through, the room was full of so many people and what I really needed was a 1:1 session where I could feel okay to say what I wanted to say but I know that's the nature of ward rounds and that hopefully I can bring it up when I see my CPN.

They've put me back on Paroxetine, or atleast they are giving me enough tablets to take every day instead of every other day so I'm assuming that I'm meant to take them every day. I'm fairly happy if that's the case. It helps with the panic attacks. I don't think I'm going to go back on Haloperidol but I might ask for a Seroquel increase at some point if the shadows get really bad or the bugs come back. Despite the fact that I don't really talk to anyone about the bugs and shadows but I haven't taken it in a couple of weeks and at first I really noticed it but now not so much. It's sort of sorted itself out.

She thinks that my medication needs a serious review and that if she was in charge of my care long term she would make some changes but because she's not, she's going to leave it to the community consultant to sort out. I don't know how I feel about that. I hate changes to meds. I feel like I've been through it so many times and now I would just like to stick with what I've got, even if something else might work better, which I know is a crap attitude but coming off something and then starting something else is just so shitty.

So pretty much a good day.

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