You are a dream among the sharks

Yesterday, I saw the psychiatrist that I used to see back in 2005 when I was severely anorexic and she didn't recognise me because 'I looked so different' and it's all I can think about that now I am overweight she was probably thinking that I've let myself go completely and that I'm disgusting. I have changed so much and it scares me to think how far away I am from being anorexic and a little part of me gets jealous at the old me and wants that life back. I wasn't expecting to see her and so I wasn't prepared for it. I can't connect myself with my past, I don't know if it's my brain protecting me or something, but it's like so much of my memory of being at my sickest is blank or confused and I can't cope when I'm confrotnted with it.

I need to be honest. I think I fucked up my therapy assesment. I wasn't able to talk about the rape. He kept asking me what I wanted to get out of therapy and what I thought triggered me but I just couldn't say it. It was in my head but it wouldn't come out. I just said stuff that happened in the past, he asked if it was physical or sexual and I just said sexual but that was it. Now I'm scared I won't get therapy because I fucked up. I've told so many people recently, why was it so fucking hard yesterday to mention it? I'm really panicing about it.

I don't know if I'm doing as well as I am pretending to do. I am feeling really anxious. The shadows are there but I can't talk about them because I can't explain them. I don't want to be in the hospital. It was breaking me. I feel safe at home because I am so scared from the infection that I know I won't cut myself but last night I had really bad urges and I couldn't sleep. I'm not suicidal. I want to live. I really want to live.

I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay. I have to be. I'm not going back to the ward. I have to be okay. I am. I am. I am.

Anyway, I wrote a poem...

The First Time

His eyes are like winter

I didn't notice until
we'd already kissed
a heavy awkward
kiss

There was no warmth
in his mouth
I waited, silently,
hardly daring to breathe
waiting, for heat to strike

Our hands touched
softly at first
then tightly
gripping until
it hurt

I can't breath

The air between us
is poison, a sweet poison
that's tasteless and toxic

Can you feel his touch?

Fingers bent and ugly
inhuman, a tongue
like a snake

I try to escape

My legs disconnect
from my body, my brain
shouting run, my heart
beating out the pattern
of my feet

A shadow appears
out of nowhere,
touching me,
holding me
back

I can't move

Every muscle
screams in
agony

Weeping
without tears

I try to move
again

His hands
pull my hair

Reach for
my throat

I gag

He whispers to me
I love you

I can feel the weight
of his love
on my chest

Feel the weight
of his body
crushing my
bones

I try to scream
but another
cold kiss
and I'm
silent
again

I wait

Hardly daring to breath

I take it like a man

I count

One

Two

Three

He falls asleep
at 4AM

I shiver on the floor
half naked

I smell of vodka
and sweat

I try to move
my legs

I try to reach
the door

I try to
run away

You can't say I didn't try