Friday, 28 May 2010

The bitter end

"It's a perfect day for letting go..."
- Robert Smith

I weighed myself in Boots yesterday and got a weight of 11st 12lbs and a BMI of 28.5. This is the heaviest I have ever been, ever, even after the year I came out of IP and ate whatever the fuck I wanted for months and then eventually ended up with COE gained upto a BMI of 27 something.

Well, I have some news for you, Eating Disorder, we are about to part ways for good. I do not need to compulsively overeat, to binge, to throw up or to starve myself. COE, BED, Bulimia, Anorexia, EDNOS, fuck off!

I am going to lose three stone and get my healthy, slim body back and see it for what it is. I am going to go swimming every day even if I feel like complete shit. I am going to eat above the 'starvation diet' amount of calories around eat around 1500 calories a day like all the sensible websites suggest. I am not going to use my own scale, in fact I might ever throw it out or at least put it somewhere out of sight and mind.

By the time it's uni again I will fit into a size 10 and be happy with that. I won't want less. I won't want skinny. I won't want anything under 120lbs.

This will not spiral into an eating disorder because it is an eating disorder I am trying to escape from, the evil clutches of bulimia and binging that make me feel a million times worse about myself and my life than anorexia ever did.

This is me and my mind, battling it out, and I WILL fucking win.

When the weight's come off I am going to cut back on the exercise, increase the calories, and maintain a healthy, 'comfortable in my own skin' weight.

Something that has eluded me for nearly a decade.

This is me and I am telling myself that I can and will do this.

That food is going to become neither enemy nor comfort.

That I can be normal.

That my relationship with food will be healthy, enjoyable and rational.

1 comment:

  1. Emma dolly, I am aware I may come across as not understanding. And I will say that as a type of disclaimer. I agree, an eating disorder is an eating disorder. I have said many times, that starving to lose weight and bingeing to gain weight, will never cause recovery, because it is swapping one for the other.
    I think goal weights are not appropriate. I think not eating enough or eating too much is appropriate.
    You need to see a nutritionist. Or at least speak to your GP about seeing one of the nurses who are trained that way.
    It is the only way that this will not be about you lose weight, you gain weight and the cycle over and over.
    You need to do this for health. To join a fun class, and realise when you are emotionally eating (or undereating).
    You need support with this because it is such an impossible task to just expect of yourself.
    With regards to the self harm. The only way you will ever know other ways to cope, is to not cope in all the ways you previously have.
    Destruction breeds more destruction.
    What I find, when I listen to you, is this sense of failure when you cannot get well, cannot recover, cannot starve right or cut enough.
    If it was as simple as just doing it, you wouldn't be in this mess.
    You need to work and look at identifying what does help. What is less helpful.
    You need to keep using your voice, and what I am certain of, you need to be one hell of a lot more stable than this, to even begin looking at the abuse.
    I have faith in you Emma and I always have.
    But you need to not fall into this black and white, all good or all bad thinking.
    This has to be about being "good enough."
    Take care, okay xxxx