Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Nothing works, just living hurts...

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions."
- Hamlet by William Shakespeare

So my psych appointment was partially alright...

I managed to be half honest. I talked about my fears of consequences and she said that if I was an adult when the 'abuse' happened and it wasn't done by someone who was in contact with children then it would be up to me what action was taken. In a way I was reassured but not enough to admit the whole truth to her... But at least they know that something bad happened to, right? I feel like a failure for not being completely honest. She prescribed me an extra 25mg / 4 times a day of Seroquel to try and help with the panic attacks and anxiety (which is sort of helping) but I still feel like I'm not being listened to because I said I was suicidal and desperate and nothing happened, I just get sent out and told that maybe DBT is something that I might 'get' later on, like being normal is something I just have to learn. I wish it was that easy, I really fucking do. I went a bit stupid afterwards, felt like shit, taking too many pills, cutting and burning, it’s like I don’t care enough not to because all the fight has gone out of me. I’ve been trying so hard for so long and I just don’t have it in my anymore...

I don't know why but I emailed Carol (my care-co) and asked for an appointment so that I could arrange to have contact with a psych at home. I hate her and she drives me insane and she doesn't listen to me but it's really the only hope I've got of getting back in the system.

Everything just feels completely unbearable. Whenever I'm with people I want to be alone and when I'm alone I just want to do anything to make the shit stop. I know that it won't last forever but at the same time it seems like a lifetime between now and the end and the idea of doing an Ophelia gets more appealing with every day that doesn't feel better.

I was outside having a smoke the other night, watching all the cars and buses whizz past and there was a metal barrier between me and the road... If that hadn’t have been there I honestly think I would have stepped into the middle of the road.

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