Saturday, 17 July 2010

That's me in the corner

"Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up"
- Losing My Religion, REM

Back from Cornwall. I had a fairly nice time but after a few days I get terrible claustrophobia and just want to run away... I spend hour after hour by myself in my room, watching films or boxsets or stand-up, reading, writing, nothing overly exciting, but I need the space to do that and after a few days of not having 'me time' I get tetchy and irritable and need my own room/space back.

I feel like such a big fake, I go away and act normally and I manage it but it's like the strain of it now is kicking in and all I want is to do is self-destruct because I am so drained, and I doubt the reality of everything because if I can hide it for a few days then why not always? I don't know...I guess because 'faking it' drains you and leaves you feeling like you don't have anything left to give. I don't mean that to sound as 'end of the road' as it does, I don't mean that I don't have anything left to give or get from life, just that my acting skills are shabby and after a bit I just can't do it anymore.

I'm back to where I was just before I went on holiday, and it was shit and horrible then and it's just the same now, but I'm weaker and less able to deal with it because I'm so tired from 'faking' being okay and normal and perfectly fucking fine. At the same time I can see things more clearly...

I passed first year and I can't wait to get back to uni and I'm determinded to work hard, play hard and genrelly make the most of it.

I have thought about the future and about Brighton again for the first time in ages and how I ultimately want to end up down there, working and living and being.

I haven't really thought much beyond that, but at least that's something...

Being back at home, back here, just makes everything resurface... It always will. It's not a safe place and I don't know how to make it one. At least mentally, I don't know how to get that sort of 'feeling' and emotion, Leicester feels better, being in London has always felt like home, but the small amount of time I spent in Brighton beat everything hands down.

And then I start thinking about if I'll live on my own, or if I'll share with friends... That makes me panic out of my skin because I'm sure everyone will get bored or sick of me and not want to be my friend but thinking like that is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy and I need to snap out of it and most of all learn to be okay in my own skin because if you don't love yourself then who the Hell else is going to want to know?

Going to the Leicester pysch at the end of the week - nervous and uncertain - don't know what I want, don't know what to say, just a huge amount of don't know!

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