Monday, 26 July 2010

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman

I am trying so hard to forgive you, to understand you even, but I think a little part of me will always be upset and angry about what you did. The fact that you didn't tell me personally was low. I know that I am probably naive in thinking that friendship should be unconditional, especially friendship that occurs from a support network. I know that sometimes people have to get out before they drown, I understand that completely, I just don't understand why you kicked me in the teeth at my lowest point.

But most of all, I miss you terribly. I miss our bitching and rambling and just having you as a presence in my life.

I am desperate to walk through the door you have left open, but at the same time I feel more than a little hurt that you can't take me as I am.

Marilyn Monroe's quote that I use everything is coming into my head;

'I'm selfish, inpatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as Hell don't deserve me at my best.'

But if my worst is too much for the people I love to handle, then something has to give. But how do you give up sickness? It's not a choice, atleast feeling terrible isn't a choice, I get that whether you self-harm or not, or puke or not, or eat or not, get drunk or not, they are all choices... But lying awake at night terrified to sleep because of the memories, feeling physical pain everytime you think about it, fear and doubt and shame and disgust and anger and betrayel and silence and lies and secrets. Where is the choice there?

I cannot escape what he did and I can't stop my head from going back to it, over and over and over again, and tearing me apart in the process.

1 comment:

  1. I know your pain.
    This was some time ago, so I don't know where your heart is now, but I hope you have been able to accept the pain, and let it heal you. And that you have released the anger, and kept the tender caring heart that allowed you to love well enough to feel this much hurt.
    That is where I am- walking that road of pain, and sorrow, and compassion. I'm in the midst of it.
    The choices the ones we love make can hurt us more than we could ever imagine, and they often hurt them more than they will ever be willing to see. But if we are willing to look and understand, we know why they make them: They want to be loved.
    We want them to receive it from us, but they won't. They choose someone, or something else, and it cuts us to the core of our being. The emotional pain is very physically real. But, it hurts because we love them, and not loving them- being angry or bitter- doesn't end the pain, it changes it into something insidious. Something evil that infects our soul.
    We don't have to approve of their choices to love them, and we can recognize that they may never let themselves see that love. But that doesn't mean we have to kill our Selves (spiritually, emotionally, or physically) to spite them. To show them.
    We can only live the life that WE live. We can't choose for them, even though we'd like to at times. But, love (real love that comes from and through the heart and soul, and not just attraction, or infatuation, or excitement- those are so often what our loved ones chase after thinking it will bring them happiness) is always a choice. We hurt because we chose to love on who chose not to, but that doesn't make ours an incorrect choice.
    Every love will hurt because every person is imperfect. There is no "the one" for any one of us. Every potential pairing of two people on earth could last a lifetime if each can learn to love and accept the other as they should be. To understand their heart, and not just how their actions hurt mine. But, both have to learn this. It takes two to make a relationship last, but only one to break it.
    Forgiveness is love.
    Grace is love.
    Understanding is love.
    Blind affirmation and acceptance is not love- it is not loving to approve of every choice and action. True love wants what is REALLY best for the loved one, not what they think they want most, or that which brings the most immediate happiness.
    So then: love, hope, pray, and long lovingly for that which is best for the one you love. Then, you have to let them go. Let them live their own life, and make their own choices, for better or worse. You can't control them, because that isn't loving either.
    You may choose to keep the door open until they come back- as long as that may take- or you may need to close that door, so that you can heal in a certain way. But either way, you can still love them.
    Forgive, and love.
    I pray you have learned this already, and that you don't mind my saying this here. I am really speaking to myself. I have to continuously remind myself to choose to love the one who has hurt me so deeply. But, making that choice- and feeling compassion for her heart, even though I am filled with sorrow (my own, and for her) for her decisions- gets a little easier every time I make it. A little more natural.