Monday, 19 July 2010

What are you waiting for?

"Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you"
- The Kill, 30 Seconds To Mars

Swimming wasn't nearly as painful as I expected it to be after a two week break. (Well, I did a bit of swimming on holiday but only a few lengths nothing major... Did a lot of walking though so am thinking that kept me form gaining any real weight..) it's funny how easily you get back in the swing of things. I am bloody determinded to try and get a 'good' relationship between food and exercise, I felt shot at after swimming earlier so I brought a bag of Malteaser's from the vending machine - didn't feel guilty, didn't want to binge (well, a little but more out of habit than anything...)

My anxiety has suddenly gone through the roof tonight and the receptionist at the GP's decided that I didn't need my PRN Seroquel anymore so I have nothing except my normal meds, which I shall take in a minute, but I'll fall asleep and sleep scares me, so many nightmares, graphic vivid horrible nightmares...

I still have some random 100mg/25mg pills left but I was sort of maybe saving them for a rainy day... But I need to get out of the habit of stashing pills away for rainy days because being all impulsive and borderline like and OD'ing in the heat of the moment is not good, and OD'ing non fatal amounts as self-harming is stupid. Not that I don't want to do it still, I am just trying to get out of the bad habits. So yeah, I will try and not hoard...

I'm still SI'ing, but only stubbing fags out on my arm... I can'[t cut because of swimming but I do crave the whole blood, pain, needing stitches drama to take me out of the drama in my head.

Am getting into a bit of a state what with the not having an extra 100mg of Seroquel as and when to get me through the day, all the stupid little fears keep coming back in full force... And I have a pysch appointment at Leicester on Friday which I am dreading, partly because I have made the tough desicion to try and tell her everything with the abuse stuff, even though I will probably change my mind about that come Friday...

Ack. I don't know. It's impossible to forget but I don't quite see how reliving it is going to help me... It feels like a poison inside of me that's contaminating everything and yet drawing it out will be a fucking painful process.


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