Sunday, 4 July 2010

Suicide isn't painless

"Do not despair of your life. You have force enough to overcome your obstacles."
- Henry David Thoreau

When my Mum was in hospital pregnant with me she became friends with this other woman who's son was born a couple of days before me. They're really close, and I used to stay over her house if my parents were away and play with the son and his little sister.

This morning she rang to say that he'd tried to hang himself.

For the first time in my life I saw my Mum crying. I know that I should say something but what? I can't process this without bringing myself into the equation, my recent overdoses that were, at least one of the time, a genuine attempt at suicide. How the Hell can I say anything with that weight, and seeing my Mum so upset when so many times she's left at home whilst my Dad rushes me to A&E. I never see her upset and it's fucking chilled me to the core.

I can't understand it either, he was completely normal, in the sense that he doesn't have previous depression or generel lack of mental health. He went to uni, graduated, he's been struggling to find a job but is that really what tips people over the edge like that?

I'm more scared than I have ever been in my life, because if it can happen to the least likely person I would ever imagine it to, then what about it happening to the friends that you fear for, or love more, or just the person walking down the other side of the street...

What if they're all thinking about dying?

I'm sorry. I just feel so terrible for everyone involved and yet so alienated by the whole thing when really, I should be the one person here that can understand and make some sense of it.

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