Thursday, 16 June 2011

Mais les yeux sont aveugles. Il faut chercher avec le cœur

A girl who I was close friends with at EDU and who I've kept in touch with since is back in hospital. Along with my flatmate. And another girl I was IP with. I think it's all finally got on top of me.

I'm medically obese. It's a fact. I eat a lot. I enjoy food. I pig out. I try and kid myself that I'm okay about all of this but I'm really, really not. I hate the lack of control and will-power I have now. I miss being the skinny one. The one that didn't eat. I miss all the anorexic thoughts that used to keep me company. That used to matter more than anything else in the world.

If people look at me now there is no way they would ever be able to guess that I used to be anorexic. I imagine them thinking that I've always been this fat. That I am greedy and lazy. They don't see me as anything else.

I want to go on a diet and stick to it. I want to add up the calories and take away the exercise. Most of all I just want to be normal. A normal healthy weight. To look okay in clothes. To not have bags and bags of clothes that no longer fit.

I feel like I'm just growing and growing and growing and everything is spinning around and losing control and my weight is something that needs IMMEDIATE ACTION because if I don't do it than I'm going to be fat forever. But being fat makes me feel safe. Eating makes me feel safe. I know that I am ugly like this. That no-one would ever want to touch me. I crave that feeling and I crave the food and I crave the comfort in the same way I used to crave emptiness and thinness.

I don't know where I'm at but it feels like fucking Hell right now.

1 comment:

  1. I tried to believe your words before.
    And I think you tried to believe it.
    That whole fake it til you make it.
    With the weight, I kind of knew it was hard.
    Any shift like that is hard any way, and I am sorry that it has suddenly hit you.
    I don't want to comment on your weight now, or in the past.
    What I will say is that the *healthy* aim is great.
    I just wish I knew how you can do it and it be real, you know.
    Not disordered xxx