Thursday, 2 June 2011

When everything feels like the movies

I'm terrified
This afternoon I dissociated in the middle of town and walked out in front of a bus
I have no idea what I was doing or where I was for over an hour
Obviously, I'm okay (well, you know what I mean...)
The driver went fucking mental at me
Loads of kids around
They thought I was pissed or on drugs

I rang my CPN this morning and got no response
I'm guessing she's on annual leave
There is no way in Hell I am contacting that psychiatrist

I am so scared for my safety
Not because I'm suicidal or want to hurt myself
Just because

I do dissociate a lot
But it's mainly a drealisation thing
I am aware of what I'm doing and what's going on
It just doesn't feel real
Or I think I'm on a film loop
Or a bit of body feels wrong or missing
It's not very nice but it's not dangerous
And I never lose a significant amount of time
And slapping or pinching or biting myself usually bring me back

But this
I can't cope with this
I WANT to get the fuck on with my life
I have stuff I NEED TO DO
I am fighting and fighting and yet
It just finds another way to kick me the balls

This is all so hard to explain
I don't even understand it

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