Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say

The last couple of days have been so hard, my head feels so chaotic...

My flatmate is still waiting to go into hospital for her anorexia and I can't really deal with it. Everything just feels incredibly raw and painful. Like having a living memory or a ghost. I keep telling myself that I should be coping with it better, that I shouldn't be triggered, that I shouldn't feel weak for recovering and gaining weight but there's still a corner of my brain that I can't fucking control that keeps yelling at me and making me hate myself for not being in that place anymore. It's so fucked up. I don't want to be in that place. 99.9% of me is grateful for the health and the life that I have now, the freedom to do whatever I like and to eat whatever I like without being accountable for it either by the eating disorder or by the eating disorder unit rules. I wouldn't go back for anything. But that 0.1% of my brain that is working overtime and telling me all the ways in which I am weak and stupid and how much being anorexic would give my life meaning and purpose and success... It's such a small part of my brain but it's also so much louder than I'm used to it being. I really thought that I would be useful, helpful, encouraging for her. But I've ran away back home and I'm hiding from the whole situation. I want to write to her, talk to her, but I feel anxious and sick just being in the same house as her. I know that I desprately need the space from it and to not be in the thick of it but that doesn't stop me from feeling selfish about it.

I bumped into Carol this morning as I was leaving DBT and I don't think I've ever felt so fucking angry at someone, that she would have the nerve to talk to me after everything, after being suspended, after I thought she was out of my life for good.

Then my counselling was cancelled after I'd spent the whole night psyching myself up to meet the new person, and to even go again after the disaster it was last time.

I just feel... cursed, it's like I can't escape any of the things I want to or need to even, they always chase up with me, even in a secondhand/through other people way.

I don't want to be anxious anymore. I don't want it to get to the point where I would do anything to just not feel so awful. Where I would do anything to just escape it for a little while. I haven't self-harmed in 42 days and I'm aiming for 90, because I read or heard once that it took that long to really break any habit nd for your head and body to get used to the change. It's not like I plan to give up as soon as the 90 days are up, I'm just trying to break the whole thing down a bit.

I'll be doing something, in a shop, talking to a friend, in therapy, on a train, wherever, and my chest will start hurting, I feel sick and dizzy, sounds get muted or turned up, I start talking as if I'm drunk, slurring and unable to remember what word goes next and I have to get out, I can't stay, if I stay there and don't go out then I am sure I'll just drop dead there and then.

Every fucking day.

I can't keep living like that

Photo # 2 A photo of yourself a year ago

I am absolutely love that photo!
That hair was epic - I want it back!!!

Photo # 1 Your Facebook profile photo

Thank God for distractions when you need 'em!

This photo is probably a year old but I miss red hair and pints of cider and being 'normal'.

30 Day Photo Challenge

1. Your Facebook profile photo
2. A photo of yourself a year ago
3. A photo that makes you happy
4. A photo of the last place you went on holiday
5. A photo of you
6. A photo that makes you laugh
7. A photo of someone you love
8. A photo of your favourite band/musician
9. A photo when you were stoned
10. A photo of you as a baby
11. A photo of your favourite film(s)
12. A photo of you
13. A photo of your best friend(s)
14. A photo of your favourite alcohol drink
15. A photo of you and someone you love
16. A photo of you at the last party you went to
17. A drunk photo of you
18. A photo of one of your classes
19. A photo of you on a school trip
20. A photo of something you enjoy doing
21. A photo of you standing up
22. A photo of your town
23. A photo of your friend as a baby
24. A photo of you that your hair looks nice in
25. A photo of a night you loved
26. A photo of your favourite weekend
27. A photo of last summer
28. A photo of what you ate today
29. A photo of someone you find attractive
30. A photo of you when you were happy

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow

"Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone"
- Exit Music (For A Film) by Radiohead

My flatmate is waiting to be admitted to hospital for her ED and I'm not feeling too great about the whole thing... Lots of fucked up thoughts and memories and triggers that have come to the surface pretty much instantly that I just can't shake off, and I'm fucking trying to get rid of them with every trick in the book.

I should be stronger than this, better than this, above this, over this, unaffected... I should not be feeling or thinking half the shit that's going through my head right now, even if they're just thoughts, it's chaotic and distorted and just feels wrong and awful.

I'm fighting so hard to not let it break me, to stop thinking stupid fucked up crap, it's hard. It's so.fucking.hard!

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

- Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Right now, at this moment, I want to be back home with my parents. It's not really about being looked after by them, I can feed myself and take care of myself and function the same anywhere, I'm not in a place where I need to 'be safe' and have someone look after me in
that sense, to make sure I don't do anything dangerous or stupid.

The thing that I do need is to feel safe somewhere, not from myself but from the rest of the world, and living on my own/with my flatmates I don't have that. It's not that I dislike them, I love them, and it's not just the drama with my friends anorexia (although that is certainly impacting on a lot of my thinking) it's more the fact that I dont trust the people that they know.

I have serious issues with other people's friends being around me, especially at night, and because we are all sort of students they have friends over a lot, and they drink a lot, and I just freak out and lock my door and stay up crying all night.

I know that it's my problem and not there's, and there is no way I could explain my fears to them, because they're not rational, they're just hyperalert, anxious thoughts that my brain keeps creating. Even so, how do you tell someone that you're convinced that their friend is going to attack you in the middle of the night...

I know that it's unlikely that anything awful will happen to me here, but there is a chance, there is always a chance, and I don't have the skills or resources to be able to deal with that chance.

I'll keep going to counselling because I know that in the end it will never stop happening and I'll always freak out about stuff that I should just be able to deal with if I just run away and avoid it all the time. I guess it has to get worse first or something...

I'm just...
Exhausted

I'm not hideously depressed, I want to do things, I'm motivated, I don't cut (38 days and counting), I eat right, go to DBT, engage, even think about the future. In so many ways things are better than they were before Christmas, but somedays, most days, I genuinely think my heart is going to stop from constantly beating too fast.

I finally got my appointment through and it's about six weeks away. I don't even know what the Hell I want from them... I guess just to stop feeling like everything is going to go wrong all the time, like I have to on edge all of the time, to be able to relax and chill out basically...

Why is that so fucking difficult?

There's no point in turning round

Uni have sent me another letter asking for £800 in 14 days
I am not going to pay it but that's not the point
I am NOT PAYING
I don't have the money for a start
They can take me to court
I don't care anymore
I am so angry about how this has all turned out
I went through the proper channels
Officially 'interrupted my studies' instead of just dropping out
And all I get in return is constant demands for money

I don't want to go back anymore
I feel so betrayed
They made no effort to help me out before I left
They made no allowances for my condition
Despite the fact that they promised me the fucking moon before I started
Why should I comply to them?
When they did bugger all to make things better for me

I know that this sounds reckless and stupid and childish
But I'm going to ignore them from now on
Rip the letters up
If they want to take legal action against me then they can just fucking well do it
I don't have a savings
I will properly not even get benefits once the cuts and reassesments kick in
I will literally have no money
What can they fucking do!?

I can't cope with shit like this
I feel like everything is fucking collapsing around me
Out of control
Like life has decided to throw shitbricks at me constantly
I don't care anymore
What is the point in striving to make a better life for yourself
When all it does is course stress and worry

I don't want to keep fighting for things
Trying to normalise my life
To live in the real world rather than the mental health world
But fuck it
I can't do it anymore
I can't cope with the real world
I've given it my best shot, I really have
But I don't want to do it anymore

I want to stop rape counselling. I just can't cope. I had a horrific panic/flashback attack in my last session and walked out. I really thought that if I'd stayed there I would have died. The worst thing is that at the time I can't talk myself out of it, rationalise it, all the physical symptoms convince me that I'm dying there and then. The first couple of sessions were fine and I felt okay afterwards but now I just feel desperately out of control and like I need to reign it back and lock it up inside my head.

I'm having really stupid thoughts of leaving Leicester and moving back home so that I can feel safe and protected. In the flat I'm constantly anxious, dreading some huge disaster, my checking/counting gets a lot worse... I know that I need to keep going with counselling, and that living away from my parents is really beneficial a lot of the time, I'm just starting to get completely overwhelmed with this constant on edge feeling.

I don't even know when my next appointment with the consultant is, she said two months and it's been about one. I only see my CPN every six weeks. I have DBT but I know that they will just teach my their skills, which I already know and use, but with this kind of anxiety they just don't work at all because it's like my brain goes past the point of being able to cope with it and so all rational thought goes out of the window.

A few years ago it got so bad that I'd end up in this dissociated, psychosis state, but atleast then you don't *feel* the anxiety. For the most part the Seroquel stops it getting to that point, but instead I have to deal with how fucking awful it feels to be constantly wired and hyperalert.

It's got worse since I switched anti-depressants a few months back and I just feel like it's running away from me, getting out of my control. I need SOMETHING to change. Something more than DBT. Something specifcally aimed at anxiety. I just don't know what would help.

I can avoid situations that make it worse, like counselling, but I know that won't benefit me in the long run, and it's not always that easy to predict what will trigger it off, when you're just sitting at home by yourself, not thinking about anything and still feeling like your heart is just going to stop.