Friday, 4 February 2011

I want to stop rape counselling. I just can't cope. I had a horrific panic/flashback attack in my last session and walked out. I really thought that if I'd stayed there I would have died. The worst thing is that at the time I can't talk myself out of it, rationalise it, all the physical symptoms convince me that I'm dying there and then. The first couple of sessions were fine and I felt okay afterwards but now I just feel desperately out of control and like I need to reign it back and lock it up inside my head.

I'm having really stupid thoughts of leaving Leicester and moving back home so that I can feel safe and protected. In the flat I'm constantly anxious, dreading some huge disaster, my checking/counting gets a lot worse... I know that I need to keep going with counselling, and that living away from my parents is really beneficial a lot of the time, I'm just starting to get completely overwhelmed with this constant on edge feeling.

I don't even know when my next appointment with the consultant is, she said two months and it's been about one. I only see my CPN every six weeks. I have DBT but I know that they will just teach my their skills, which I already know and use, but with this kind of anxiety they just don't work at all because it's like my brain goes past the point of being able to cope with it and so all rational thought goes out of the window.

A few years ago it got so bad that I'd end up in this dissociated, psychosis state, but atleast then you don't *feel* the anxiety. For the most part the Seroquel stops it getting to that point, but instead I have to deal with how fucking awful it feels to be constantly wired and hyperalert.

It's got worse since I switched anti-depressants a few months back and I just feel like it's running away from me, getting out of my control. I need SOMETHING to change. Something more than DBT. Something specifcally aimed at anxiety. I just don't know what would help.

I can avoid situations that make it worse, like counselling, but I know that won't benefit me in the long run, and it's not always that easy to predict what will trigger it off, when you're just sitting at home by yourself, not thinking about anything and still feeling like your heart is just going to stop.


  1. What medication are you on Emma?
    I use Duloxetine (I was on it, then off it, then sedated with Mirtazapine and I am now back on t)
    It has helped my anxiety so much, more than any other medication.
    If you believe this isn't an issue that therapy etc can solve, and you temporarily need medication you need to phone your psychiatrist and demand an immediate appointment.
    If you can be helped, you are not going to lose anything by trying.
    I am sorry this is so hard right now xxxx

  2. I took Duloxetine for over a year until November time when I started taking Mirtazapine, and I also take Lamictal and Seroquel.

    I thought Duloxetine was really good for anxiety, too, and I'm definately feeling the difference now I don't take it, but the Mirtazapine has been great for the ol' depression. One thing that gets sorted always seems to make something else worse <_<

    I wouldn't mind therapy if it was something that actually helped but it doesn't seem that DBT has any real focus on anxiety and apparantly I can't attend anything else until I finish the course which is atleast three months from now.

    I think I will ring up, I need to find out when I'm supposed to see her again anyway.