Monday, 7 February 2011

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."
- Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Right now, at this moment, I want to be back home with my parents. It's not really about being looked after by them, I can feed myself and take care of myself and function the same anywhere, I'm not in a place where I need to 'be safe' and have someone look after me in
that sense, to make sure I don't do anything dangerous or stupid.

The thing that I do need is to feel safe somewhere, not from myself but from the rest of the world, and living on my own/with my flatmates I don't have that. It's not that I dislike them, I love them, and it's not just the drama with my friends anorexia (although that is certainly impacting on a lot of my thinking) it's more the fact that I dont trust the people that they know.

I have serious issues with other people's friends being around me, especially at night, and because we are all sort of students they have friends over a lot, and they drink a lot, and I just freak out and lock my door and stay up crying all night.

I know that it's my problem and not there's, and there is no way I could explain my fears to them, because they're not rational, they're just hyperalert, anxious thoughts that my brain keeps creating. Even so, how do you tell someone that you're convinced that their friend is going to attack you in the middle of the night...

I know that it's unlikely that anything awful will happen to me here, but there is a chance, there is always a chance, and I don't have the skills or resources to be able to deal with that chance.

I'll keep going to counselling because I know that in the end it will never stop happening and I'll always freak out about stuff that I should just be able to deal with if I just run away and avoid it all the time. I guess it has to get worse first or something...

I'm just...

I'm not hideously depressed, I want to do things, I'm motivated, I don't cut (38 days and counting), I eat right, go to DBT, engage, even think about the future. In so many ways things are better than they were before Christmas, but somedays, most days, I genuinely think my heart is going to stop from constantly beating too fast.

I finally got my appointment through and it's about six weeks away. I don't even know what the Hell I want from them... I guess just to stop feeling like everything is going to go wrong all the time, like I have to on edge all of the time, to be able to relax and chill out basically...

Why is that so fucking difficult?

1 comment:

  1. Em, this is difficult, because you are doing "it"
    You are recovering.
    YOU, yourself, are doing this.

    I am sorry you feel unsafe, and I guess there is a balance.
    I know home is a nightmare, and I guess my advice would be to stick uni out, but if flashbacks, fears etc worsen, to consider home.

    Keep fighting little one xxxxxx