Tuesday, 15 February 2011

We are nowhere and it's now

I'm so scared that when it comes to making the choice of what to do next with my life that I'm going to get it wrong. There are so many ides and options racing around my head that I can't seem to just pick one and work through it, to see the advantages of it, the disadvantages, and especially the reality of it.

I feel like I'm being unrealistic, I feel like the person that I want to be and the person that I am are a million miles apart, I feel talentless and aimless. I want to believe that I am good at things, I want to believe that I'm good at writing because it's the only path I want to ake, that I've always wanted to take, and I'm incredibly insecure and fustrated about the whole thing.

On the plus side I got a phone call from the Social Inclusion team to meet up with them next week and I'm quite looking forward to finding out what they offer and it feels productive to get back into doing something again.

On the down side rape counselling haven't go in touch with me over a week and I have no idea when I will meet up with the new worker and the longer it is the more I am talking myself out of doing it. Right now I want nothing more than to pretend it never happened because for some reason in my head that translates to me being able to get on with my life and be happy. I know that's fucked up logic but it's pretty damn convincing.

I'm coping with the situation with my flatmate suprisingly well. The disordered bit of my brain has died down a lot so I'm not triggered by it and I'm looking after myself and eating properly and trying not to think about it all the time. I still feel awkward and uncomfortable around her, and I still want to be able to say something that would make her see the light, as it were, and I feel guilty and useless not being able to do that, because I feel like as someone who used to be in that place I should no better what to say or ddo but I don't and it makes no difference. I still have this thing about making it all mean something, making all the shit that I went through into something productive and I can't

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